Monday, August 15, 2011
daddys little girl.......
this blog is really difficult for me to write about because it really is a sensitive topic....and something i cant even put into words...but figured it would be best to write it out since these thoughts keep coming back to me. I was my dads first child, his little girl...i was one spoiled brat even after my younger sister was born. anything i wanted, my dad was there for me. Around the time i was 12yrs old i found out my dad was cheating on my mom, the most confusing and devastating moment of my life. I went to sleep crying because all i heard was yelling, fighting, slamming doors, and my moms tears. I would ask what was wrong and she would wipe the tears off and tell both my sister and i that everything would be ok. He then got back into alcohol as a way to numb everything he had done. This is when i lost my dad, id come home from school and he'd come from work drunk as ever and begin to fight with everyone in the house for no apparent reason, because something was out of place or the house was dirty.( the beginning of my OCD). I would hide in my room with my sister in hopes that it would all go away. Slowly the drinking stopped and the fighting stopped, but my parents where obviously not happy. They stuck it out because any talk of divorce made my sister and I break into crazy tears and panic attacks. I dreamt of a beautiful home with both my mom and dad living happily ever after, having both of them grow old together as they saw us grow. Not until later in life that i realized i was being selfish and causing much more pain to my mom, my sister and myself. Why force 2 people to stick around with eachother when it was obvious that love was gone. Around the time i was 16yrs old, my parents decided to buy a house in Philadelphia, little did i know that meant i was moving. The move did not include my dad because of his job in NY and how stable it was. I only saw my dad on the weekends or every other weekend. He moved to New jersey and rented out an apt there. Began to realize this was a slow step to a divorce in some ways. We celebrated every holiday, every birthday and every family event like a perfectly happy family but behind the scenes my parents fought about everything and anything. Towards the end of high school my fathers visits became something i wasnt looking forward to. This is when i chose i had to get away from Philadelphia for college...i wanted to be so far from all the chaos. I did just that, i left and found happiness in just not being around the fights. But felt horrible leaving my sister in the midsts of all the chaos i managed to get away from. Throughout my college years, my parents relationship became more of a friendship and respectful, but it was quite evident my mom would look at my dad and that love was still there. Not until the first years in college did i find out my dad was living with someone else in New Jersey and spending less weekends with his daughters and wife and spending more time with someone else. I came to almost a numbing feeling about it all, trying to hide the obvious, trying to avoid any talks about where he was at, who was he with, and who he spoke to on the phone with, only to not cause any more pain for myself, but i knew it all...he was cheating on my mom. His visits came sporadically throughout the year only to see my sister and i but the relationship between my mom and dad had ended. There was talk about divorce again and this time i was not fighting it. my mom deserves to be happy and realized this should put an end to my moms pain. The relationship between my dad and i went from love, to hate, to respect and back to hate as of recently. Few months back my dad decided to come to visit and have a "talk" with my mother, sister and myself....the one talk i wish i could erase from my memory...one that haunts me to this day.....the one where i was told, he had another child with another women and that it was a girl...and shes a few months old and was terrified of letting us know. My world came to a complete crash, everything faded in and i could no longer even think about what to say....just sat there in a puddle of tears running down my face. He tried to hug me and i could do was push him away...i was in complete disgust...i was no longer daddys little girl. What people dont seem to understand is how much my dad admired both my sister and i...we where his everything...and now he needs to share that love with someone else. Someone i dont ever want anything to do with. Im 24yrs old and i still cant come to terms with it all. While he should be thinking about how he would plan my wedding with me, he will be thinking about how his daughter will be attending the first day of school. Ive tried to think about how this child has nothing to do with anything, she didnt ask to come to this world, but i cant come to terms with accepting her and potentially forgiving him for it and accepting her when she grows up. I want to live my life as if she never exists, as if she never came into this world and took my dad away from me but i know how wrong that is, but i dont think i can do it. I called my dad the other day and all i could hear in the background was her crying.....and i just hung up and began to cry.... just as i am doing now...been crying since the beginning of this entry and cant seem to stop......i know there will be a day where all this will become a numbing feeling and all these emotions will go away but cant seem to go to bed without these thoughts in my head. Just hoping writing this entry will help me out and get all those hidden emotions out there and make me feel better.........who knows, but i need to begin to stay positive and forget about everything and focus on MY future!!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
inspiration!
so through my job working with teenagers i met a teen and we instantly became close. She would come to program and be super excited to see me. We then bonded, went to football games and the super bowl together through my job because of her amazing enthusiasm, great energy, and her intelligence. On our trip to Texas we where roomates and we became the best of friends!. I see so much potential for her while sadly the people close to her cant seem to see that. I on the other hand see a brilliant future for her. A few weeks ago she spoke about her sports banquet at school and how her mom wouldnt be able to attend. She was upset, and wasnt going to attend. I knew I had to be there. I told her i would be there for her and attend the banquet with her. Today was her banquet and while the rest of the high schoolers had their mom, aunt, grandma, brother, sister or what have you, she had me. I couldnt be more proud of her when her name was called up to receive a medal and a trophy. I felt so good to know she wanted me there on a day like this. Because of her i realize i am full fulling what i want to do with my life. I want to become a high school guidance counselor and be there for a high schooler who needs a shoulder, a ear, or a smile at the end of the day. I have been that shoulder for her, that ear to listen, and that smile to show her that I will always be there for her and that she can trust in me whenever she feels shes falling down. Overall, pretty amazing day on this 100 degree weather we had today. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
thoughts
so i had a "nightmare" the other night, to the point of waking up shaking and with the feeling of wanting to cry. Gladly i resisted that and managed to hold any tears. Which i am glad i didnt cry because when i think about it now, the nightmare was pretty ridiculous and stupid. It was over my stupid insecurities and i guess a sign to appreciate the people that really are there for me and not to waste any time with stupidity. I dreamt Will was cheating on me with someone i know and i couldnt do anything about it. It was the most vivid, detailed dream ive had. For the first time i dreamt in color and dreamt about it being in my house. Every single dream ive had have taken place in my ny house, or my moms house, or somewhere else but my house. I felt completely unappreciated, ugly, and couldnt manage to wrap my head around the fact that it was only a dream. I began to stare at myself in the mirror and try to find something i was happy about. While others may think i have everything together, im "skinny" and should be happy, i cant seem to see what others see. There are days i feel great but others when i feel like no one could possibly find me attractive. Probably why that dream made me feel completely sick to my stomach. I felt like the only person that has been with me for 6 years was ready to leave me and i wouldnt find someone else who would want to be with me for ME. I also realized i can sometimes take him for granted and dont realize he does love me. He may not be the most sensitive and super cutesy as i wish he was, but he does in fact love me and i know i havent wasted away 6yrs of my life with someone who didnt want to be with me. There are guys out there that are out to be with a girl just to have sex with them and not value a female the way they should be and think of them as an object of pleasure and satisfaction as oppose to someone who they can have a decent conversation and true friendship with. Well...blog will continue tomorrow, laptop is dying.....
Monday, June 6, 2011
back to releasing some stress
So thought id be okay with not writing my every thought and my every insecurity, my every anxiety filled moment, my stressed and messed up life...but i guess i was wrong. Sometimes i really don't have anyone i can really tell everything to and expect to hear me out and understand me. That is when i reached out and figured the only one that gets me and hears me out no matter what fucked up situation, would be my college roomate, my bestie. It was a serious sense of relief, and weight off my shoulders to just let it all out. To tell her everything that has been going on with me...and not to tell me how fucked up i was, or how stupid i was, or judge me behind my back. I also realized that when im the most alone, i want to be around people and when i am around people all i want to do is be alone. Something i cant seem to wrap my mind around. My days usually consist of me waking up, hanging out with my pups, going to work, coming home, eating, and watching tv alone with my pups. Time seems to fly on by and the next day comes around for the same vicious cycle. Then it doesnt help i dont do much on the weekends either. I just feel like lately i need a change, i need something different and i should be the one in charge of that but i cant figure out where to begin.....i really dont know why i put myself through so much unnecessary stress...because it seriously is over the most ridiculous things too. I let the little things affect me and ruin my entire day. :/
walked away for 10 mins and lost my train of thought...well thats it then i suppose.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
life
So today i was leaving work to go to my 2nd job and on my way out the building i saw a purse on the floor..at first glance thought it was a plastic bag...2nd look noticed it was a purse..picked it up and did what a good Samaritan would do and find a contact through it...while looking through i noticed a good amount of cash was in it...i say..$300.00, a debit card..and a drivers License. I left all the money in...found a contact # and told my boss to give the person a call. We call..she freaks out and heads to my job to pick it up. I had to leave so my boss was in charge of handing back the purse. I find out later, the person who lost her purse came to pick it up and didn't even say thanks. She grabbed it..and left. I was left in complete shock. I know if i lost something and someone found it, i would look through it..made sure everything was in it..and then say THANKS. but nope...some people just don't know what that word means. So i began thinking...man i should have taken that money...but i believe in karma and know that my good deed will come back to me...and i will get something great happen to me. i gave myself a good pat on the back and kept on moving. But just left me thinking about this world..and the reason people even think about stealing...or how people don't believe in giving something back that they find....because of people like that who dont know how to appreciate great people in this world....With all that said....lets move on...i requested my official college transcript from PSU for my job and i received it today. I opened it with excitement because it had been a while i reviewed my transcript or my grades. So while I'm looking over them i cant help to smile and pat myself on the back once more....nothing but A's and B's for 4 straight years. Taking almost 18-20 credits a semester..working and still managing to do great in school. Not to mention a loan free bachelors. Of my 4years in college..i was grateful to have paid my college through scholarships and grants that i was able to walk away with almost a free education. Excluding junior and senior year where i had to pay out of pocket but it just goes to show how a little motivation can go a long way. I never gave up when times where hard...i never backed out because i was scared..just don't know what happen to all of that motivation...that the motivation i am trying to find within me now....guess i really needed those transcripts to show me i am smart...i have been smart...i have potential to do better...i have the potential to go far in life...so why am i scared about life..why am i scared to move forward. Guess i still need some time to figure all of this out.
Day 2.
Day 2. A picture of someone you have been the closest to the longest.
Our parents met way back when we where in 2nd grade. My mom babysat her and her brother..and then her mom became my Godmother. We went to the same elementary school..same middle school...same high school...and yes...same college. We where never super close but when we where in college..she was my roomate..and the best roomate in the world. She had my back..i had hers...we went anywhere..talked for hours about nothing..and made our college experience the best. Def <3 this girl. We know that our friendship is pretty unique...we can go months without talking but as soon as we talk its like we never where apart..there was never ever no drama or fights between us because we knew how to give eachother space...something i really value about her.
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| My Roomate/GodSister Jen |
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
productive/rant
Well woke up and found out i didnt have to go to work..pretty excited..the snow helped. But found my self incredibly bored and no one to talk to but my dogs..haha so i thought about those words.."how i need to be more productive with my life" well i did just that.I went out and shoveled, cleaned my car, cleaned my house, played zumba, and just dance 2 and sang to the top of my lungs while jamming with my mop on hand and my ipod on deck. seriously releasing...and relaxing..probably not for my neighbors who had to hear me sing but good for me for opening up and letting go a bit. i then took the time to do my nails and get online to blog a bit. I mean i could have been a tad bit more productive if i stepped outside and socialized a bit but..me and the outdoors alone just havent gotten to terms just yet. I need a couple more exposures to get me to feel really comfortable walking around alone.. i thought probably carrying mase and a knife itd make me feel a bit better but still not doing it for me. I just need some help. yeah im not ashamed to say i need help..just like im not afraid to say i have a phobia...masklophobia(phobia of mascots).....yeah just found out what my phobia is called..thanks to the web and a friend!. Just hard to realize that whatever im scared of is something that can be "fixed" I took enough psychology courses to know how a session would take place. scenario: ..".hi so tell me what brought you here today? idk im scared of life..and mascots......so tell me...when did this start......hmmm ..idk when i was a victim of a house invasion...and cant really explain the mascot one.....soo tell me what are some of your feelings?" .....yeah..........I would sit there and questions would be thrown my way until I find the answer to them and have to pay lots of $$ for something i figured out myself....yeah so thats why i havent made the attempt to get help. Dont get me wrong..i love my degree..haha just know too much to be able to get help. Its def great for others though. I def think everyone should meet with a therapist once in their life...just dont know about myself. Ok so since i went off during my blog. I am going to go ahead and be a productive house wife and cook before the hubby comes home since i didnt work and he did. :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
trying to better myself.
To anyone whos following my blog may have already picked up on or may know about me already...i say ill do things and then time passes on and i never accomplish something..not necessarily the case about everything i do but for the most part...like this blog for instance. I say i will keep up on a daily basis but find myself making excuses as to why i cant dedicate 10 to 15 mins of my time to write instead of wasting away on facebook. A friend of mine told me i'm too young to let things pass by, i need to make the best out of life. Enjoy every minute. Stop wasting time..stop making excuses and find the inner desire or the inner drive to get up off my ass and do something productive. Ive said time and time again i want to start working out and ive even bought games for the wii so that i am not entirely embarrassed going to a gym. I bought zumba and just dance 2 for the wii in efforts of getting my lazy behind self up off the coach and do something productive. That lasted 2 days..if that much. I also attempted the P90x and that lasted 3 weeks. I had to say that was a great work out but found myself doing the workouts at 10pm and going straight to bed and waking up sore like no other..which slowly made me loose interest. Ive said time and time again i want to get back into it but find no motivation to wake up at 8am and work out all morning before work. Which leads me to feel miserable about myself..not feel really happy about my life and everyone hears me bitch. So i'm going to try to find some hobbies that i will seriously take time to work on and build on. I know all my life i took music courses..i can say ive played the viola, cello, guitar and keyboard but if you hand me any one of those instruments id prob wont know what to do because i never stuck to it. I took viola for 3 1/2 years and i cant remember much. Which shows how much drive i have for anything. The one thing i can say ive seriously kept working on was drawing. I took art classes all throughout middle school, high school and college and to this day i love anything from arts and crafts to origami. So i guess i just need to find my nitch and stick to it and work around it. But if it seriously wasnt for that friend of mine who put everything into perspective i really wouldnt be writing this blog right now. So i need some motivation and a partner in crime to help me get off my couch and into some hobbies! :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Playing Catch up
Well to any of my followers..i do apologize for taking a really long time to blog. Since i was in Texas I didnt really have too much time and when i came back i had to catch up with work...life..and time with my pup pups so I really didnt get time to get on my computer and blog around. But Since my last blog ive had a really easier time with life. I think i really did need a vacation and some time away from home,work and life. It was amazing to wake up..get room service...breakfast..lunch and dinner every day...and get to have some really good times with the teens that came with. Although i really wanted to come home because i was seriously missing home and my pups i knew i was 50/50 about it all because i knew i would come home to face reality. Texas turned out to be a really cool place...not much going on unless you had a car..in which i had to drive around Texas, but it was def different from being in the city. I loved the accents and found myself holding convos with my teens with the texan accent. Once i came home i couldnt imagine how much my dogs had missed be but they seriously wouldnt let me go anywhere alone around the house because they would begin to cry for my attention. I really cant believe how much a dog can show affection or care about their owner as my dogs do..they can bring me up whenever i am down..and make me smile whenever i am mad or sad. They seriously are my babies and dont care what anyone says about me treating my dogs like babies...they mean the world to me and will always mean the world to me. After a few days of thinking i realized i do need friends in my life and people who care about me..and its a part of life to disagree or not be on the same page about things but at the end i cant say i dont need friends in my life because i guess i really do. I just need to learn to appreciate friendships more and value them more....but on that note todays Valentines Day and ive got to say after our 5th Valentines Day we can still be as in Love as the first time. This is just another day to spend money on eachother and sow them you care about them through flowers..balloons..stuffed animals and chocolate..but i do love Valentines Day but I do agree with the rest of the world on how its so overrated but my kids at work seriously made my day and showed me how much they care about me with all the candy i cant consume in a day.(which btw i ate all) and came home to a Valentines Day Hello Kitty<3 and some chocolate and a card. It really is the little things that make me smile. He knows exactly what i like and what makes me happy and that is all that matters...i dont need an expensive dinner...expensive jewelery....flowers that cost a fortune or a box of chocolate that i dont end up eating. It is about the little things...the way he looks at you..the way he makes you smile..the way he runs his fingers through your hair while you cuddle and watch a movie...the way he holds your hand while waiting at a red light..the way he kisses your forehead and whispers he loves you at night...that is my Valentines Day gift...my valentines day gift i receive every day. He seriously makes me happy..although i have my days..where i want to be overly spoiled and consumed with exaggerated signs of affection i know thats not what our relationship is about..its about the little things that prove our love is still passionate and still happening. Ive gotta say after playing catch up on a blog i seriously am going everywhere here and i do apologize to anyone reading but I will start writing everyday so that these blogs have a bigger purpose.
Friday, February 4, 2011
blogging in Texas
Well its day 2 in Dallas Texas..we are stuck in the hotel for awhile because it started snowing pretty bad out. We had a full line up of things to do but roads in Texas are horrible. Highways where full of ice and they dont use salt..they use sand which doesnt seem to be helping. I drove in Texas for the first time yesterday and it was not that bad..Texas drivers are okay i suppose. We went to go see the JFK Museaum where he was assasinated from and i had a really good time. I am such a dork at heart and i love museaums and anything that gets my gears in my brain running. Afterwards, we went shopping around town and hit up a store that sold a whole bunch of cowboy boots and cowboy hats which made me really feel like i was in Texas...but what made it real was when they welcomed us and their accent was clear as day, it put a smile to my face. I havent been anywhere in awhile. Once that was over we went over to a restaurant called the Palms and we had a great dinner and dessert with everyone here who has been nothing but severely generous to all of the teens. It is really hard to find people who still in believe in the growth of children and the impact an adult can make on a child..especially someone who cares about them and shows interest in them. Well this hotel is amazing. It's called the embassy suites and we have an amazing room, a great pool..a good gym room, a computer lab..and 12 floors to keep us busy enough. We are all super excited for the Super Bowl because its the night everyone is looking forward too. I wanted to buy some things around here but things are not cheap in Texas. I bought a magnet for almost 8 bucks. But I will be getting me some superbowl gear for the night. I really should have thought about brining some sweat pants to work out since we have been stuck in doors all day..we woke up at 6am for nothing. But overall it has been such an amazing experience, i have networked so much that i cant even remember everyones names. This is an exciting opportunity for me..but the biggest satisfaction is the recognition i receive from people for having a great group with me. Also the fact that my teens were super excited and thanked me so much for helping them to get where they are at right now..that is when i know that what i am doing is worth it. When i know i have made an impact or some change in someone elses life...yes as cheesy as that sounds. This trip would be amazing with my fiance because he would be soaking all of this with me..there are no pictures or words to describe everything..but i think these few days have made me miss him incredibly and i know that will make our relationship tighter..a friend of mine told me...when was the last time i took a few days to myself...and i havent since i left college..so i guess this is the time...its a great sign..i know that our relationship is suppose to work..throughtout the ups and downs we have more ups and it makes me know that i havent wasted 6yrs of my life to that one special person i cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with. What i love the most is that he is happy for me for making so much progress and having this opportunity as oppose to being mad because he cant come to the SuperBowl. But i dont want to leave because i know once that plane lands in philadelphia, reality hits and i will have to face my everyday life...bills..and work..which sucks. I feel like this mini vacation couldnt come at a better time. But i do really miss my puppies and my babe...i heard my puppies would keep looking at the door waiting for me to come in which made me really sad and i cant wait to see them and cuddle with my pup pups. Well ive gotta get ready...we are going to go out soon to visit some place..and go out to eat and do more sight seeing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
live and learn...life lessons
Having been faced with rough decisions in the past few days made me begin to think about my life and the fact ive never had true meaningful friendships. Since i was in Kindergarten i can remember having soo many friends and when i left to middle school those friends became in existent...i made new friends...those friends became enemies..we drifted apart..went to high school...never in touch with the rest of the "friends" ive ever made in my past decided to make more friends....those friends felt like my friends for life...until the day my parents decided to move me to Philadelphia...i made friends who i thought would be for life..and my closest and only friend decided we could no longer be friends bc of the unhealthy relationship she had with her partner...i moved on....i went to college and joined a sorority..in hopes to find friends for life...realized...GIRLS ARE A BUNCH OF BITCHES...AND LOVE TO BACK STAB...so i left the sorority and made it with the little group of friends i made from the start....felt like id keep in touch forever and be amazing friends after...not true at all...those friends we barely talk...even my roomate and i (who ive known since elementary school) barely keep in touch. Now the real world...made great friends at work..only to realize...any little thing i do or say is completely interpreted wrong and decide they can no longer speak to me..or even acknowledge my presence. Makes me realize...is it me? or am i just really really bad at making friends...but one thing is true...if i had guy friends....this would never be happening...theres no drama to deal with..no bullshit..and everything is simple. Realized from now on.....its me...myself...and I....im tired of getting hurt...tired of making friends only to see them walk away from my life...tired of letting people into my life...having them know every weakness of mine...every deep dark secret...only to see them walk away from my life. The only person that has ever ever been there for me..is my sister..my true unconditional absolute best friend. We have our ups and downs but no matter what she is always there. I hate to realize it has come to this...that there is something wrong with my personality or theres just simply no true friends out there but i guess its life...something i will have to learn about...whats sad is i cant even count on the rest of my family...i have no cousins i can ever talk to...and no one else who actually cares about me...so if at one point you have entered into my life...sorry to tell you...you may not be there forever...you made decide to walk away from my life at one point in the near future...ill continue making "associates" but im tired of making friends...only to be hurt at the end.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......anxiety...confusion....scared...scarred....victim...tears.....
all of which i feel right now...my anxiety is at an all time high right now i can barely even type...my computer screen is a complete blur...the tears covering my vision...i cant even hear anything...the bass of my radio pumping through my veins...a sense of relief as i type...a sense of relief as the music hits my ears....heart beat racing....
thought this snow day would be a good thing...figured day off yay....but looked outside and couldnt even bare the thought of digging my car out...i was barricaded by the city plowers...my anxiety was hitting me and couldnt even face cleaning my car..i had to walk inside...where i decided to call my sister to find a sense of relief...the phone rang and rang...for 25 min and she didnt pick up...my heart racing..my legs becoming weak...a million and one thoughts about what could have happened..why wasnt she picking up the phone...tears started rolling down my face...i called everyone to call her and nothing...i finally walked over which is seriously a block away which felt like a mile away..to find out she was perfectly fine...the weight that was on my shoulders for that entire block seemed to fall off right at the door...i fell to the ground..and started crying my eyes out......for those who dont know....im scarred for life by some complete asshole douchebag who decided it would be a great idea to come into my home and try to steal.........it was november 2,2009...little after buying my own home up the block from my moms when i decided to go over my moms house after dropping Will off at work to pick up some of my moms bills to go pay them....all i had to do was pick them up..lock up and leave....but instead i decided to get on my sisters computer and pay my credit card bill...i sat on the floor with her laptop...when i heard someone at the door...thinking little of it...thought it was my sisters bf coming home from work...when the person that walked into my moms house was someone with a black hood...where i couldnt see anything but his eyes comes through those doors...i begin to yelll for help...try to make my way out the house and push him out...he kicks me in the stomach...punches me...pins me to the floor hitting me...all while yelling my lungs out for help...i manage to punch him right in the face..he calls me a bitch..hits me some more..and felt like the world was caving in on me..thought it was hours...he finally gives up..looks over to the laptop and takes it and leaves my moms house....i manage to get up..after seeing complete black..i lock the door..run upstairs lock myself in the bathroom aand call the cops...call Will and when the cops come...nothing was really done....but those black and blues on my arms...my face remained....i was taken to the district to write up a report...i get out the cop car and puke....didnt know why but i felt i had to....still shaking.....they dusted the door for fingerprints...and to this day...NOTHING!...they took my sisters laptop and im scarred for life....i am afraid to be alone...any little noise i hear..my heart races....every person i see walk outside i think may attack me at any moment...im scared to walk outside my house to get the mail....im scared to walk in my own house because i think someone may come in.....this brought me to go completely crazy today and think something might have happened to my sister....i pray every morning and every night to help me heal...to help me forget what happened and to move on and pray for some justice...but i get our neighborhood newspaper and read about how many other people have become victims of the same crime....i want to leave...i want it to all go away.....i really need help.....this is why i am the way i am...scared to do anything in life because of that one day that scarred for me the rest of my life.....everyone thinks im super paranoid..but little do they know how my anxiety is eating me alive.......i walk back inside my house after digging my car out and see my house a complete mess and cant seem to get myself to clean because i cant and i dont even know where to start...im scared to move around in my own home....WHY???????????????????? I thank God for every waking moment and for the fact that i was only hit a few times and all was taken was a laptop..and not my life...but man i live with that thought...for the longest time i couldnt even see anyone with a black hoodie and timberland boots because i would freak out....writing this was more difficult than i thought...my heart is racing a million miles per hour but in some ways i know i need to let it out..i need to find the courage to move on!!...and i really hope to find it sooner than later!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Lost count on my blogs...
well..its been a few days I really should blog everyday so my blogs have more meaning to them but i rarely have time...i come home at 8...eat something...and head to bed right after...so ill try to make some time in the morning to write something. Well work has been going pretty good so far...i think i was just going through some personal emotional struggles that made me block out everything else, including work. I have those days sometimes. Well i bought Zumba for the wii and ive gotta say it sure is a work out...its a lot of fun but i really suck..it made it really clear to me i am seriously a white girl. Friend of mine brought up an amazing idea today..we should start doing some yoga every morning and i really hope to go through with this...i was going to join the gym but at the moment the gym =$$$ and not really at the state to be spending a lot of money on it..i have just dance 2, zumba and the P90x to keep me active at home..its just a matter of self discipline..something i will need to get into. So ive started to notice my blogs have become a bit more positive...less moody than the past and i'm glad that i'm not going downhill. I just wish i wrote everyday so i didnt have to just do a blog on recapping the entire week. So on this note..goodnight all..gonna go listen to some music and relax for the night......music is def the key to my heart! i absolutely love my IPOD and my music. <3
Sunday, January 23, 2011
5th blog
Well after not having a good day on Friday I had a good night and had a nice date with my babes which was well needed...we really havent had any "us" time in quite a while. I really couldnt remember what it felt like to be on a "date" we where so used to heading to Mcdonalds...or taco bell...or applebees to catch a bite after work that i forgot what it was like...we have been together for close to 6yrs and for some reason it feels like we are over the honeymoon stage and not really into eachother..or have had time to be into eachother...sadly...and we arent even married yet...so i def need a change of pace in our relationship and somehow need to "spice" things up.....not in the way you may all think...that department is all well...just in the simple cheesy "i love you" sense....little texts throughtout the day saying "i miss you' or random notes written to eachother about how amazing we are to eachother...or staring into each others eyes and giggling like goof balls...yeah..thats stuff i miss...i guess work...bills...our dogs..and life itself has consumed most of our life and has taken away why we are really with eachother. I know this little douch bag..annoying self is the man of my dreams lol...hard to see because he is such a hard ass but i know he loves me..just hard to see through that thick layer of mr hardass....so we spoke and things will be changing soon which i am glad to hear...and i cannot wait for valentines day...day to get spoiled hahahha...im not materialistic at all.....(shifty eyes)...but in all seriousness...def cant wait for our relationship to make it through another 6rs+.........onto some different news...Will finally got his tattoo cherry popped and became part of the tattoo world and got himself a tattoo on his arm...its of bullet bill from Mario Bros...and i absolutely love that he is such a dork...i think they did an amazing job and i cant wait to get some $$ to get another tatt done...i havent really figured out what i would be getting exactly because ive thought about it way too much but i know i want it to be meaningful and something i will look at later and absolutely love...since the tat i already have i cant even see unless i look through a mirror with a mirror...but i know it looks nice back there hahha.....after getting tatted up hung out with the crew and had a good time..but didnt really get as drunk as i thought i was gonnna get...sadly i was the only one sober at the party and fell asleep around midnight..so i was a little bit of a party pooper but theres always next party! So theyre announcing some snow for this week and im hoping it comes down pretty hard...i really want some days off to relax...yeah i know...weekends are just not doing it for me...lol not that i hate work all the time but hey some days off here and there because of the weather sound good to me...well..not really because i dont get paid which sucks so....maybe just 1 day off! Hoping to remain positive for the rest of this week and see some changes in my mood...i got me the game Zumba for the wii and its really great..its def gonna kick my ass because i cant dance to save my life..im seriously a white girl at heart...but i need to get into some workouts to keep me away from the couch and pajamas all day....well..i really just ran out of things to say...so im gonna call it a night and head to sleep or just watch my babes play video games.....!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
4th blog.
So..the last time i wrote.. was on Monday and since then its been nothing but mayhem and i havent had time to do much but to come home, eat, & sleep..therefore this is me trying to catch up. I havent had much a good week...mainly because i have had a lot on my mind..been thinking about a lot things i want different in my life but how im unable to do so. I came home today and simply cried my eyes out...dont have one specific reason why...honestly...could be...a)(tmi) but probably PMSing...or b) overwhelmed by life...or c)combination of both but man it felt good to cry....just letting it all out and then trying to figure out WTF was going on that made me cry..... I have also been told these blogs have been quite depressing and sad and i do apologize..not my intentions..just theres more too me than the happy face i try to put out there. I try to remain as positive as positive to be more of a positive person but when work has become overwhelming and life has been overwhelming and when i have to come home to cook..i have to do hw for class...and i have to clean up after my dogs and this house...well shit i have a reason to be a little down after a day. Life seems to be crashing over me...i am in a desperate need of a vacation..somewhere tropical..somewhere warm...somewhere AWAY from Philly. I also have been feeling down because i feel so overwhelmed at work to meet deadlines to accomplish this to accomplish that and excel at everything i do...and sometimes because i have a million and one things running through my mind i feel im becoming more of failure than a success. All my life i have been an A student and someone who strives for success and achievement and although i graduated with a Bachelors and have reached one of my goals i sometimes feel like my job isnt valuing my achievements or my strive to want to do better...possibly because i am well underpaid..or just because i feel like im drowning with things to do..also because i hate asking for help...i am the type of person to do things my way and my way only...and also i hate showing others i am weak or incapable of doing something for the simple fact of letting people see my weakness and bring me down in the ladder to success and achievement. At one point i did feel like it was my time to leave my job because i was underpaid and i really dislike children but ive grown to accept my job as somewhere for me to grow as a person and see my kids at work grow as well..i honestly want to say ive done a change in someones life and have done something great for my program in order for it to succeed..but why am i having a hard time with this? I really dont know...i dream about ways i can change things around and ways i can excel but because i really dont know where to begin i get lost in all the thoughts and give up which leads me to feel bad about myself....so i guess this is something i am going to be working on and will need to be writing more about....anywho..trying to figure me out is not something really easy...people may say they know me...and i do try to be an open book but theres more to me that no one knows..more to me i am trying to change..more to me that i dislike...but hey they dont call it life for nothing.......welll ever have a dream and the dream is so great that you really dont want to wake up from it and feel like its completely real and your alarm wakes you in the middle of a great part in your dream which now leads you to not being able to fall asleep and dream about that anymore?....well yeah...happened to me yesterday morning...i hated it...i was loving my dream..and then it suddenly went away...and it was time for me to hit reality and wake up..shower and head to work...well hoping theres lots of snow to close schools down so i dont have to go to training or work tomorrow...really not looking forward to working..i need some sleep and some time to catch up with hw and some cleaning around this house..well now that ive wasted..a good 15 mins of your life..thanks for reading and goodnight...time for me to fist pump with the rest of my jersey shore crew!
Monday, January 17, 2011
3rd blog of my journey
So i completely forgot to write my blog for yesterday because I was too busy recovering from the good times with friends and running household errands. Plus not much really happened for me to fill everyone in with. Had a day at work today and i felt pretty good about myself for helping clean out a storage room......wondering how long itll take to become a complete mess again..anyway..found out i may have an opportunity to go to the super bowl with a teen at work and gotta say..i'm pretty excited..not that i am a huge football fan..little did i know about the sport until i actually attended an eagles game but just seems like a great opportunity to be a part of..these are the perks i speak about. Well after work i went and had dinner with my amigas and worked on a homework project that ive gotta say..will be amusing to present tomorrow morning. We are completely over achievers and think are the only ones taking this class serious because little does anyone care about growing and developing but..not my issue. I really wouldnt be bitching about a class you need to attend that you get paid for attending...man if it where like this in college i would have been rich. But as of lately, my moods been down..not feeling too good..and just seems like theres a gap somewhere that i havent yet found..but needs to be filled soon. Although this is my 3rd blog and cant really prove that its been helping, i just feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders everytime i get on here and type my thoughts away. Im not really big on poems and all but..because of my project today..i found a poem i really enjoyed reading and put things into perspective for me...."Anyway" by Mother Teresa...its about doing things anyway no matter what obstacle gets in your way..you should be doing things in order to fulfill your goal and for God. I am not really that religious, i do believe in God and all and I do like to believe that hes gotten me where I am right now and i am highly grateful but sometimes i get lost in all the words and begin to loose whats the point so i have decided to not go to Church and not really be preached about the Bible. I just have felt that no matter what people say or what the Bible says, everyone's different, everyone has their ways and God will always be there for you unconditionally but you should always do things and fight off what anyone says to you. Anyway dont know how i turned to a religious spiel but somehow i did. So lets change this up...its snowing right now..and ive gotta say i really wish we dont have to go into work tomorrow but i highly doubt that but one can hope. Sidenote..just ate a brownie and ive gotta say..it made me smile...sometimes the little things can put a smile on my face...those things seem to matter the most now a days, anyway to make me smile is greatly appreciated :) So with that smile on my face...it is time to head to bed and carry out my life responsibilities of working tomorrow and make the best out of every min i have, trying to live each moment without regrets but with enthusiasm to live and move forward. ..GOODNIGHT!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
2nd day blogging
So after some evaluation and thoughts i realized i live a pretty boring life..don't really have a purpose for a blog but i figured someone and anyone would like to get into my world and hey...why not learn a little bit more about myself through the process. My day consisted of waking up super early on a Saturday morning to attend a 6 hour class for work. I have to take these CDA course to be certified to actually keep my job, which i actually don't mind that much. I feel like keeping my brain working is good for me, although there is a shit load of work to do I know i will get it done because i have OCD..and need things done at certain times and in a certain way but at the moment i felt super overwhelmed with the amount of work that had to be done, or needs to be done for the matter. It was overall a good day, i didnt notice i was sitting in one room for 6 hours because of my friends who kept me laughing and the instructor who is quite a character. Well with some thoughts spread out I thought about how going back to school to get my masters would be difficult as shit because i would basically have to stop working or work less hours to be able to go to class and do my homework, which equals me not having any life and coming home to basically sleep away the rest of the time, which doesnt sound like something i need to be doing. As of lately ive felt completely and utterly useless, i have been sick for basically 2-3 months(on and off) which has resulted in me slouching around the house in my pajamas...not cooking..and not being active at all unless walking to the bathroom and refrigerator for snacks falls under the "being active" category which i highly doubt. Ive felt like ive been eating away at my life and although those who know me know i shouldnt be loosing weight but gaining some..they know i am completely self conscious about my appearance as it is and gaining as little as 5lbs makes me freak out and go in starvation mode. I have a certain weight i refuse to go over and i think anything close to that weight makes me feel horrible about myself. I know it is pretty sad and kinda self absorbent...but shit....this is me...Not only is weight an issue...the list can go on and on...but lets leave that for another day. All these feelings could be a result of the shitty weather we are having but man it needs to go away...ive been daydreaming of sunny days ever since Winter came around and I cant stop flipping through pictures where i had my awesome tan and my shorts...and tanks...and the beach....ahhh man...talk about needing a vacation soon. Well enough of the inconsistency in my blogs....I will be back tomorrow with some more junk about my life...
Friday, January 14, 2011
The start of spilling out my thoughts
Welcome blogging world, after a few friends have started blogging it has made me think about how useful this can be for me. I always have a million and one things on my mind and come home with a massive headache and usually end up forgetting everything I thought about all day which doesn't help me any. So I figured if I create this blog I will eliminate some of those headaches and maybe be able to move forward and accomplish some of those things I tell myself I need to get to but never do. It also allows me to have a moment of my day to just think and be alone and type, which I kinda like doing. I used to type my life away in college when I had to type up 15 page essays and I sadly miss that. I feel like my brain has shut down since I graduated. It feels like forever since I left Penn State but its only been a year. Since that year I have been engaged...home owner..and a proud parent of two beautiful PUPPIES. Seems like sometimes my life has been sped up and I'm not ready for whats to come. Sometimes I am pretty happy where I am at in life and other times I wonder what would be different right now. I def would have been in graduate school and focused on getting my masters and be on my way to a potential great job..but I need to stop thinking about "what ifs" and more about "where to next." Yeah I haven't been focused enough to go back to school...but I have to see where I am at right now and how having my own home at 23..living with the man I absolutely love and having two awesome puppies is a pretty damn good place to be at right now. Yeah my job can suck...I have a bachelors and not getting paid nearly what I deserve..but there's perks...I think the perks have allowed me to stay there as long as I have...I also have some great co-workers/friends..which I guess can make up for the pay...but when bills come around...that's when the tears are shed........well to whoever decides to follow my pathetic blogs..you'll begin to notice the array of topics that run through my head...I can never stick to one simple topic...hense me beginning this blog...hoping it will allow me to become focused more. Well that's it for me now, I will be back tomorrow after my CDA class.
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