AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......anxiety...confusion....scared...scarred....victim...tears.....

 all of which i feel right now...my anxiety is at an all time high right now i can barely even type...my computer screen is a complete blur...the tears covering my vision...i cant even hear anything...the bass of my radio pumping through my veins...a sense of relief as i type...a sense of relief as the music hits my ears....heart beat racing....

thought this snow day would be a good thing...figured day off yay....but looked outside and couldnt even bare the thought of digging my car out...i was barricaded by the city plowers...my anxiety was hitting me and couldnt even face cleaning my car..i had to walk inside...where i decided to call my sister to find a sense of relief...the phone rang and rang...for 25 min and she didnt pick up...my heart racing..my legs becoming weak...a million and one thoughts about what could have happened..why wasnt she picking up the phone...tears started rolling down my face...i called everyone to call her and nothing...i finally walked over which is seriously a block away which felt like a mile away..to find out she was perfectly fine...the weight that was on my shoulders for that entire block seemed to fall off right at the door...i fell to the ground..and started crying my eyes out......for those who dont know....im scarred for life by some complete asshole douchebag who decided it would be a great idea to come into my home and try to steal.........it was november 2,2009...little after buying my own home up the block from my moms when i decided to go over my moms house after dropping Will off at work to pick up some of my moms bills to go pay them....all i had to do was pick them up..lock up and leave....but instead i decided to get on my sisters computer and pay my credit card bill...i sat on the floor with her laptop...when i heard someone at the door...thinking little of it...thought it was my sisters bf coming home from work...when the person that walked into my moms house was someone with a black hood...where i couldnt see anything but his eyes comes through those doors...i begin to yelll for help...try to make my way out the house and push him out...he kicks me in the stomach...punches me...pins me to the floor hitting me...all while yelling my lungs out for help...i manage to punch him right in the face..he calls me a bitch..hits me some more..and felt like the world was caving in on me..thought it was hours...he finally gives up..looks over to the laptop and takes it and leaves my moms house....i manage to get up..after seeing complete black..i lock the door..run upstairs lock myself in the bathroom aand call the cops...call Will and when the cops come...nothing was really done....but those black and blues on my arms...my face remained....i was taken to the district to write up a report...i get out the cop car and puke....didnt know why but i felt i had to....still shaking.....they dusted the door for fingerprints...and to this day...NOTHING!...they took my sisters laptop and im scarred for life....i am afraid to be alone...any little noise i hear..my heart races....every person i see walk outside i think may attack me at any moment...im scared to walk outside my house to get the mail....im scared to walk in my own house because i think someone may come in.....this brought me to go completely crazy today and think something might have happened to my sister....i pray every morning and every night to help me heal...to help me forget what happened and to move on and pray for some justice...but i get our neighborhood newspaper and read about how many other people have become victims of the same crime....i want to leave...i want it to all go away.....i really need help.....this is why i am the way i am...scared to do anything in life because of that one day that scarred for me the rest of my life.....everyone thinks im super paranoid..but little do they know how my anxiety is eating me alive.......i walk back inside my house after digging my car out and see my house a complete mess and cant seem to get myself to clean because i cant and i dont even know where to start...im scared to move around in my own home....WHY???????????????????? I thank God for every waking moment and for the fact that i was only hit a few times and all was taken was a laptop..and not my life...but man i live with that thought...for the longest time i couldnt even see anyone with a black hoodie and timberland boots because i would freak out....writing this was more difficult than i thought...my heart is racing a million miles per hour but in some ways i know i need to let it out..i need to find the courage to move on!!...and i really hope to find it sooner than later!