4th blog.

So..the last time i wrote.. was on  Monday and since then its been nothing but mayhem and i havent had time to do much but to come home, eat, & sleep..therefore this is me trying to catch up. I havent had much a good week...mainly because i have had a lot on my mind..been thinking about  a lot things i want different in my life but how im unable to do so. I came home today and simply cried my eyes out...dont have one specific reason why...honestly...could be...a)(tmi) but probably PMSing...or b) overwhelmed by life...or c)combination of both but man it felt good to cry....just letting it all out and then trying to figure out WTF was going on that made me cry..... I have also been told these blogs have been quite depressing and sad and i do apologize..not my intentions..just theres more too me than the happy face i try to put out there. I try to remain as positive as positive to be more of a positive person but when work has become overwhelming and life has been overwhelming and when i have to come home to cook..i have to do hw for class...and i have to clean up after my dogs and this house...well shit i have a reason to be a little down after a day. Life seems to be crashing over me...i am in a desperate need of a vacation..somewhere tropical..somewhere warm...somewhere AWAY from Philly. I also have been feeling down because i feel so overwhelmed at work to meet deadlines to accomplish this to accomplish that and excel at everything i do...and sometimes because i have a million and one things running through my mind i feel im becoming more of  failure than a success. All my life i have been an A student and someone who strives for success and achievement and although i graduated with a Bachelors and have reached one of my goals i sometimes feel like my job isnt valuing my achievements or my strive to want to do better...possibly because i am well underpaid..or just because i feel like im drowning with things to do..also because i hate asking for help...i am the type of person to do things my way and my way only...and also i hate showing others i am weak or incapable of doing something for the simple fact of letting people see my weakness and bring me down in the ladder to success and achievement. At one point i did feel like it was my time to leave my job because i was underpaid and i really dislike children but ive grown to accept my job as somewhere for me to grow as a person and see my kids at work grow as well..i honestly want to say ive done a change in someones life and have done something great for my program in order for it to succeed..but why am i having a hard time with this? I really dont know...i dream about ways i can change things around and ways i can excel but because i really dont know where to begin i get lost in all the thoughts and give up which leads me to feel bad about myself....so i guess this is something i am going to be working on and will need to be writing more about....anywho..trying to figure me out is not something really easy...people may say they know me...and i do try to be an open book but theres more to me that no one knows..more to me i am trying to change..more to me that i dislike...but hey they dont call it life for nothing.......welll ever have a dream and the dream is so great that you really dont want to wake up from it and feel like its completely real and your alarm wakes you in the middle of a great part in your dream which now leads you to not being able to fall asleep and dream about that anymore?....well yeah...happened to me yesterday morning...i hated it...i was loving my dream..and then it suddenly went away...and it was time for me to hit reality and wake up..shower and head to work...well hoping theres lots of snow to close schools down so i dont have to go to training or work tomorrow...really not looking forward to working..i need some sleep and some time to catch up with hw and some cleaning around this house..well now that ive wasted..a good 15 mins of your life..thanks for reading and goodnight...time for me to fist pump with the rest of my jersey shore crew!