thoughts

so i had a "nightmare" the other night, to the point of waking up shaking and with the feeling of wanting to cry. Gladly i resisted that and managed to hold any tears. Which i am glad i didnt cry because when i think about it now, the nightmare was pretty ridiculous and stupid. It was over my stupid insecurities and i guess a sign to appreciate the people that really are there for me and not to waste any time with stupidity. I dreamt Will was cheating on me with someone i know and i couldnt do anything about it. It was the most vivid, detailed dream ive had. For the first time i dreamt in color and dreamt about it being in my house. Every single dream ive had have taken place in my ny house, or my moms house, or somewhere else but my house. I felt completely unappreciated, ugly, and couldnt manage to wrap my head around the fact that it was only a dream. I began to stare at myself in the mirror and try to find something i was happy about. While others may think i have everything together, im "skinny" and should be happy, i cant seem to see what others see. There are days i feel great but others when i feel like no one could possibly find me attractive. Probably why that dream made me feel completely sick to my stomach. I felt like the only person that has been with me for 6 years was ready to leave me and i wouldnt find someone else who would want to be with me for ME.  I also realized i can sometimes  take him for granted and dont realize he does love me. He may not be the most sensitive and super cutesy as i wish he was, but he does in fact love me and i know i havent wasted away 6yrs of my life with someone who didnt want to be with me. There are guys out there that are out to be with a girl just to have sex with them and not value a female the way they should be and think of them as an object of pleasure and satisfaction as oppose to someone who they can have a decent conversation and true friendship with. Well...blog will continue tomorrow, laptop is dying.....