daddys little girl.......

this blog is really difficult for me to write about because it really is a sensitive topic....and something i cant even put into words...but figured it would be best to write it out since these thoughts keep coming back to me. I was my dads first child, his little girl...i was one spoiled brat even after my younger sister was born. anything i wanted, my dad was there for me. Around the time i was 12yrs old i found out my dad was cheating on my mom, the most confusing and devastating moment of my life. I went to sleep crying because all i heard was yelling, fighting, slamming doors, and my moms tears. I would ask what was wrong and she would wipe the tears off and tell both my sister and i that everything would be ok. He then got back into alcohol as a way to numb everything he had done. This is when i lost my dad, id come home from school and he'd come from work drunk as ever and begin to fight with everyone in the house for no apparent reason, because something was out of place or the house was dirty.( the beginning of my OCD). I would hide in my room with my sister in hopes that it would all go away. Slowly the drinking stopped and the fighting stopped, but my parents where obviously not happy. They stuck it out because any talk of divorce made my sister and I break into crazy tears and panic attacks. I dreamt of a beautiful home with both my mom and dad living happily ever after, having both of them grow old together as they saw us grow. Not until later in life that i realized i was being selfish and causing much more pain to my mom, my sister and myself. Why force 2 people to stick around with eachother when it was obvious that love was gone. Around the time i was 16yrs old, my parents decided to buy a house in Philadelphia, little did i know that meant i was moving. The move did not include my dad because of his job in NY and how stable it was. I only saw my dad on the weekends or every other weekend. He moved to New jersey and rented out an apt there. Began to realize this was a slow step to a divorce in some ways. We celebrated every holiday, every birthday and every family event like a perfectly happy family but behind the scenes my parents fought about everything and anything. Towards the end of high school my fathers visits became something i wasnt looking forward to. This is when i chose i had to get away from Philadelphia for college...i wanted to be so far from all the chaos. I did just that, i left and found happiness in just not being around the fights. But felt horrible leaving my sister in the midsts of all the chaos i managed to get away from. Throughout my college years, my parents relationship became more of a friendship and respectful, but it was quite evident my mom would look at my dad and that love was still there. Not until the first years in college did i find out my dad was living with someone else in New Jersey and spending less weekends with his daughters and wife and spending more time with someone else. I came to almost a numbing feeling about it all, trying to hide the obvious, trying to avoid any talks about where he was at, who was he with, and who he spoke to on the phone with, only to not cause any more pain for myself, but i knew it all...he was cheating on my mom. His visits came sporadically throughout the year only to see my sister and i but the relationship between my mom and dad had ended. There was talk about divorce again and this time i was not fighting it. my mom deserves to be happy and realized this should put an end to my moms pain. The relationship between my dad and i went from love, to hate, to respect and back to hate as of recently. Few months back my dad decided to come to visit and have a "talk" with my mother, sister and myself....the one talk i wish i could erase from my memory...one that haunts me to this day.....the one where i was told, he had another child with another women and that it was a girl...and shes a few months old and was terrified of letting us know. My world came to a complete crash, everything faded in and i could no longer even think about what to say....just sat there in a puddle of tears running down my face. He tried to hug me and i could do was push him away...i was in complete disgust...i was no longer daddys little girl. What people dont seem to understand is how much my dad admired both my sister and i...we where his everything...and now he needs to share that love with someone else. Someone i dont ever want anything to do with. Im 24yrs old and i still cant come to terms with it all. While he should be thinking about how he would plan my wedding with me, he will be thinking about how his daughter will be attending the first day of school. Ive tried to think about how this child has nothing to do with anything, she didnt ask to come to this world, but i cant come to terms with accepting her and potentially forgiving him for it and accepting her when she grows up. I want to live my life as if she never exists, as if she never came into this world and took my dad away from me but i know how wrong that is, but i dont think i can do it. I called my dad the other day and all i could hear in the background was her crying.....and i just hung up and began to cry.... just as i am doing now...been crying since the beginning of this entry and cant seem to stop......i know there will be a day where all this will become a numbing feeling and all these emotions will go away but cant seem to go to bed without these thoughts in my head. Just hoping writing this entry will help me out and get all those hidden emotions out there and make me feel better.........who knows, but i need to begin to stay positive and forget about everything and focus on MY future!!