Tuesday, February 1, 2011
live and learn...life lessons
Having been faced with rough decisions in the past few days made me begin to think about my life and the fact ive never had true meaningful friendships. Since i was in Kindergarten i can remember having soo many friends and when i left to middle school those friends became in existent...i made new friends...those friends became enemies..we drifted apart..went to high school...never in touch with the rest of the "friends" ive ever made in my past decided to make more friends....those friends felt like my friends for life...until the day my parents decided to move me to Philadelphia...i made friends who i thought would be for life..and my closest and only friend decided we could no longer be friends bc of the unhealthy relationship she had with her partner...i moved on....i went to college and joined a sorority..in hopes to find friends for life...realized...GIRLS ARE A BUNCH OF BITCHES...AND LOVE TO BACK STAB...so i left the sorority and made it with the little group of friends i made from the start....felt like id keep in touch forever and be amazing friends after...not true at all...those friends we barely talk...even my roomate and i (who ive known since elementary school) barely keep in touch. Now the real world...made great friends at work..only to realize...any little thing i do or say is completely interpreted wrong and decide they can no longer speak to me..or even acknowledge my presence. Makes me realize...is it me? or am i just really really bad at making friends...but one thing is true...if i had guy friends....this would never be happening...theres no drama to deal with..no bullshit..and everything is simple. Realized from now on.....its me...myself...and I....im tired of getting hurt...tired of making friends only to see them walk away from my life...tired of letting people into my life...having them know every weakness of mine...every deep dark secret...only to see them walk away from my life. The only person that has ever ever been there for me..is my sister..my true unconditional absolute best friend. We have our ups and downs but no matter what she is always there. I hate to realize it has come to this...that there is something wrong with my personality or theres just simply no true friends out there but i guess its life...something i will have to learn about...whats sad is i cant even count on the rest of my family...i have no cousins i can ever talk to...and no one else who actually cares about me...so if at one point you have entered into my life...sorry to tell you...you may not be there forever...you made decide to walk away from my life at one point in the near future...ill continue making "associates" but im tired of making friends...only to be hurt at the end.
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I love the honesty! The friendship topic is a little touchy to me. As you know, I am quick to tell any and everybody: I am a bad friend. It's too much pressure for me. It's comparable to what I was talking about in my blog: the 50/50 relationship. Being "friends" with someone is a relationship and like any other it takes communication and compromise. You have to meet each other half way. That being said, there's no way that the friendships in your life didn't work because of you. There are many factors that contribute to the stressfulness of any relationship.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult for me to trust people. But in all honesty I believe saying friends suck and that you're done with it (as I have done for years) is the easy way out. It's a way of protecting ourselves. Protecting ourselves from being hurt and betrayed. But shit we have to live life. I am good without the friends most of the times... but then there are times when I sit there like DAMN if only I had a few girlfriends that I can call to have a girls night out and just talk shit.
It's understandable to be where you're at after so many unsuccessful relationships. I just wonder... are you going to miss out on something?? Do you really not want friends or is it that you're just scared of being hurt again??
This was difficult for me to respond to... but that's where I'm at with it so far.
Hold UP!!! That's a blog in itself LOL
ReplyDeleteyou are completely right. i most def don't want to shut people out..it just feels like lately ive let people into my life and they are easy to walk away...but in reality i don't want to be alone..i want to have friends who i care for and they care for me. I mean you and i just started getting closer and i would hate to say we wont be friends anymore..so i really just need to be more understanding of the value of a friendship and learn how to accept that things wont always be positive and things don't always go right...we will be getting mad at each other but i have a hard time when people are mad at me or dislike me for something so i guess that's why i get hurt easily. but your awesome Mo <3 thanks for the words of advice i seriously need it sometimes!
ReplyDelete:) Completely understandable and anytime. Remember I said if we're going to be friends it's a given that we will argue and fight because if not.... then how can I know??? LOL Truly unhealthy but that's how it works in my world. Let's take the pressure off and let things take a course of their own. Looking forward to it.
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