AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......anxiety...confusion....scared...scarred....victim...tears.....

 all of which i feel right now...my anxiety is at an all time high right now i can barely even type...my computer screen is a complete blur...the tears covering my vision...i cant even hear anything...the bass of my radio pumping through my veins...a sense of relief as i type...a sense of relief as the music hits my ears....heart beat racing....

thought this snow day would be a good thing...figured day off yay....but looked outside and couldnt even bare the thought of digging my car out...i was barricaded by the city plowers...my anxiety was hitting me and couldnt even face cleaning my car..i had to walk inside...where i decided to call my sister to find a sense of relief...the phone rang and rang...for 25 min and she didnt pick up...my heart racing..my legs becoming weak...a million and one thoughts about what could have happened..why wasnt she picking up the phone...tears started rolling down my face...i called everyone to call her and nothing...i finally walked over which is seriously a block away which felt like a mile away..to find out she was perfectly fine...the weight that was on my shoulders for that entire block seemed to fall off right at the door...i fell to the ground..and started crying my eyes out......for those who dont know....im scarred for life by some complete asshole douchebag who decided it would be a great idea to come into my home and try to steal.........it was november 2,2009...little after buying my own home up the block from my moms when i decided to go over my moms house after dropping Will off at work to pick up some of my moms bills to go pay them....all i had to do was pick them up..lock up and leave....but instead i decided to get on my sisters computer and pay my credit card bill...i sat on the floor with her laptop...when i heard someone at the door...thinking little of it...thought it was my sisters bf coming home from work...when the person that walked into my moms house was someone with a black hood...where i couldnt see anything but his eyes comes through those doors...i begin to yelll for help...try to make my way out the house and push him out...he kicks me in the stomach...punches me...pins me to the floor hitting me...all while yelling my lungs out for help...i manage to punch him right in the face..he calls me a bitch..hits me some more..and felt like the world was caving in on me..thought it was hours...he finally gives up..looks over to the laptop and takes it and leaves my moms house....i manage to get up..after seeing complete black..i lock the door..run upstairs lock myself in the bathroom aand call the cops...call Will and when the cops come...nothing was really done....but those black and blues on my arms...my face remained....i was taken to the district to write up a report...i get out the cop car and puke....didnt know why but i felt i had to....still shaking.....they dusted the door for fingerprints...and to this day...NOTHING!...they took my sisters laptop and im scarred for life....i am afraid to be alone...any little noise i hear..my heart races....every person i see walk outside i think may attack me at any moment...im scared to walk outside my house to get the mail....im scared to walk in my own house because i think someone may come in.....this brought me to go completely crazy today and think something might have happened to my sister....i pray every morning and every night to help me heal...to help me forget what happened and to move on and pray for some justice...but i get our neighborhood newspaper and read about how many other people have become victims of the same crime....i want to leave...i want it to all go away.....i really need help.....this is why i am the way i am...scared to do anything in life because of that one day that scarred for me the rest of my life.....everyone thinks im super paranoid..but little do they know how my anxiety is eating me alive.......i walk back inside my house after digging my car out and see my house a complete mess and cant seem to get myself to clean because i cant and i dont even know where to start...im scared to move around in my own home....WHY???????????????????? I thank God for every waking moment and for the fact that i was only hit a few times and all was taken was a laptop..and not my life...but man i live with that thought...for the longest time i couldnt even see anyone with a black hoodie and timberland boots because i would freak out....writing this was more difficult than i thought...my heart is racing a million miles per hour but in some ways i know i need to let it out..i need to find the courage to move on!!...and i really hope to find it sooner than later!

Lost count on my blogs...

well..its been a few days I really should blog everyday so my blogs have more meaning to them but i rarely have time...i come home  at 8...eat something...and head to bed right after...so ill try to make some time in the morning to write something. Well work has been going pretty good so far...i think i was just going through some personal emotional struggles that made me block out everything else, including work.  I have those days sometimes. Well i bought Zumba for the wii and ive gotta say it sure is a work out...its a lot of fun but i really suck..it made it really clear to me i am seriously a white girl. Friend of mine brought up an amazing idea today..we should start doing some yoga every morning and i really hope to go through with this...i was going to join the gym but at the moment the gym =$$$ and not really at the state to be spending a lot of money on it..i have just dance 2, zumba and the P90x to keep me active at home..its just a matter of self discipline..something i will need to get into. So ive started to notice my blogs have become a bit more positive...less moody than the past and i'm glad that i'm not going downhill. I just wish i wrote everyday so i didnt have to just do a blog on recapping the entire week. So on this note..goodnight all..gonna go listen to some music and relax for the night......music is def the key to my heart! i absolutely love my IPOD and my music. <3

5th blog

Well after not having a good day on Friday I had a good night and had a nice date with my babes which was well needed...we really havent had any "us" time in quite a while. I really couldnt remember what it felt like to be on a "date" we where so used to heading to Mcdonalds...or taco bell...or applebees to catch a bite after work that i forgot what it was like...we have been together for close to 6yrs and for some reason it feels like we are over the honeymoon stage and not really into eachother..or have had time to be into eachother...sadly...and we arent even married yet...so i def need a change of pace in our relationship and somehow need to "spice" things up.....not in the way you may all think...that department is all well...just in the simple cheesy "i love you" sense....little texts throughtout the day saying "i miss you' or random notes written to eachother about how amazing we are to eachother...or staring into each others eyes and giggling like goof balls...yeah..thats stuff i miss...i guess work...bills...our dogs..and life itself  has consumed most of our life and has taken away why we are really with eachother. I know this little douch bag..annoying self is the man of my dreams lol...hard to see because he is such a hard ass but i know he loves me..just hard to see through that thick layer of mr hardass....so we spoke and things will be changing soon which i am glad to hear...and i cannot wait for valentines day...day to get spoiled hahahha...im not materialistic at all.....(shifty eyes)...but in all seriousness...def cant wait for our relationship to make it through another 6rs+.........onto some different news...Will finally got his tattoo cherry popped and became part of the tattoo world and got himself a tattoo on his arm...its of bullet bill from Mario Bros...and i absolutely love that he is such a dork...i think they did an amazing job and i cant wait to get some $$ to get another tatt done...i havent really figured out what i would be getting exactly because ive thought about it way too much but i know i want it to be meaningful and something i will look at later and absolutely love...since the tat i already have i cant even see unless i look through a mirror with a mirror...but i know it looks nice back there hahha.....after getting tatted up hung out with the crew and had a good time..but didnt really get as drunk as i thought i was gonnna get...sadly i was the only one sober at the party and fell asleep around midnight..so i was a little bit of a party pooper but theres always next party! So theyre announcing some snow for this week and im hoping it comes down pretty hard...i really want some days off to relax...yeah i know...weekends are just not doing it for me...lol not that i hate work all the time but hey some days off here and there because of the weather sound good to me...well..not really because i dont get paid which sucks so....maybe just 1 day off! Hoping to remain positive for the rest of this week and see some changes in my mood...i got me the game Zumba for the wii and its really great..its def gonna kick my ass because i cant dance to save my life..im seriously a white girl at heart...but i need to get into some workouts to keep me away from the couch and pajamas all day....well..i really just ran out of things to say...so im gonna call it a night and head to sleep or just watch my babes play video games.....!

4th blog.

So..the last time i wrote.. was on  Monday and since then its been nothing but mayhem and i havent had time to do much but to come home, eat, & sleep..therefore this is me trying to catch up. I havent had much a good week...mainly because i have had a lot on my mind..been thinking about  a lot things i want different in my life but how im unable to do so. I came home today and simply cried my eyes out...dont have one specific reason why...honestly...could be...a)(tmi) but probably PMSing...or b) overwhelmed by life...or c)combination of both but man it felt good to cry....just letting it all out and then trying to figure out WTF was going on that made me cry..... I have also been told these blogs have been quite depressing and sad and i do apologize..not my intentions..just theres more too me than the happy face i try to put out there. I try to remain as positive as positive to be more of a positive person but when work has become overwhelming and life has been overwhelming and when i have to come home to cook..i have to do hw for class...and i have to clean up after my dogs and this house...well shit i have a reason to be a little down after a day. Life seems to be crashing over me...i am in a desperate need of a vacation..somewhere tropical..somewhere warm...somewhere AWAY from Philly. I also have been feeling down because i feel so overwhelmed at work to meet deadlines to accomplish this to accomplish that and excel at everything i do...and sometimes because i have a million and one things running through my mind i feel im becoming more of  failure than a success. All my life i have been an A student and someone who strives for success and achievement and although i graduated with a Bachelors and have reached one of my goals i sometimes feel like my job isnt valuing my achievements or my strive to want to do better...possibly because i am well underpaid..or just because i feel like im drowning with things to do..also because i hate asking for help...i am the type of person to do things my way and my way only...and also i hate showing others i am weak or incapable of doing something for the simple fact of letting people see my weakness and bring me down in the ladder to success and achievement. At one point i did feel like it was my time to leave my job because i was underpaid and i really dislike children but ive grown to accept my job as somewhere for me to grow as a person and see my kids at work grow as well..i honestly want to say ive done a change in someones life and have done something great for my program in order for it to succeed..but why am i having a hard time with this? I really dont know...i dream about ways i can change things around and ways i can excel but because i really dont know where to begin i get lost in all the thoughts and give up which leads me to feel bad about myself....so i guess this is something i am going to be working on and will need to be writing more about....anywho..trying to figure me out is not something really easy...people may say they know me...and i do try to be an open book but theres more to me that no one knows..more to me i am trying to change..more to me that i dislike...but hey they dont call it life for nothing.......welll ever have a dream and the dream is so great that you really dont want to wake up from it and feel like its completely real and your alarm wakes you in the middle of a great part in your dream which now leads you to not being able to fall asleep and dream about that anymore?....well yeah...happened to me yesterday morning...i hated it...i was loving my dream..and then it suddenly went away...and it was time for me to hit reality and wake up..shower and head to work...well hoping theres lots of snow to close schools down so i dont have to go to training or work tomorrow...really not looking forward to working..i need some sleep and some time to catch up with hw and some cleaning around this house..well now that ive wasted..a good 15 mins of your life..thanks for reading and goodnight...time for me to fist pump with the rest of my jersey shore crew!

3rd blog of my journey

So i completely forgot to write my blog for yesterday because I was too busy recovering from the good times with friends and running household errands. Plus not much really happened for me to fill everyone in with. Had a  day at work today and i felt pretty good about myself for helping clean out a storage room......wondering how long itll take to become a complete mess again..anyway..found out i may have an opportunity to go to the super bowl with a teen at work and gotta say..i'm pretty excited..not that i am a huge football fan..little did i know about the sport until i actually attended an eagles game but just seems like a great opportunity to be a part of..these are the perks i speak about. Well after work i went and had dinner with my amigas and worked on a homework project that ive gotta say..will be amusing to present tomorrow morning. We are completely over achievers and think are the only ones taking this class serious because little does anyone care about growing and developing but..not my issue. I really wouldnt be bitching about a class you need to attend that you get paid for attending...man if it where like this in college i would have been rich. But as of lately, my moods been down..not feeling too good..and just seems like theres a gap somewhere that i havent yet found..but needs to be filled soon. Although this is my 3rd blog and cant really prove that its been helping, i just feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders everytime i get on here and type my thoughts away. Im not really big on poems and all but..because of my project today..i found a poem i really enjoyed reading and put things into perspective for me...."Anyway" by Mother Teresa...its about doing things anyway no matter what obstacle gets in your way..you should be doing things in order to fulfill your goal and for God. I am not really that religious, i do believe in God and all and I do like to believe that hes gotten me where I am right now and i am highly grateful but sometimes i get lost in all the words and begin to loose whats the point so i have decided to not go to Church and not really be preached about the Bible. I just have felt that no matter what people say or what the Bible says, everyone's different, everyone has their ways and God will always be there for you unconditionally but you should always do things and fight off what anyone says to you.  Anyway dont know how i turned to a religious spiel but somehow i did. So lets change this up...its snowing right now..and ive gotta say i really wish we dont have to go into work tomorrow but i highly doubt that but one can hope.  Sidenote..just ate a brownie and ive gotta say..it made me smile...sometimes the little things can put a smile on my face...those things seem to matter the most now a days, anyway to make me smile is greatly appreciated :) So with that smile on my face...it is time to head to bed and carry out my life responsibilities of working tomorrow and make the best out of every min i have, trying to live each moment without regrets but with enthusiasm to live and move forward. ..GOODNIGHT!

2nd day blogging

So after some evaluation and thoughts i realized i live a pretty boring life..don't really have a purpose for a blog but i figured someone and anyone would like to get into my world and hey...why not learn a little bit more about myself through the process. My day consisted of waking up super early on a Saturday morning to attend a 6 hour class for work. I have to take these CDA course to be certified to actually keep my job, which i actually don't mind that much. I feel like keeping my brain working is good for me, although there is a shit load of work to do I know i will get it done because i have OCD..and need things done at certain times and in a certain way but at the moment i felt super overwhelmed with the amount of work that had to be done, or needs to be done for the matter. It was overall a good day, i didnt notice i was sitting in one room for 6 hours because of my friends who kept me laughing and the instructor who is quite a character. Well with some thoughts spread out I thought about how going back to school to get my masters would be difficult as shit because i would basically have to stop working or work less hours to be able to go to class and do my homework, which equals me not having any life and coming home to basically sleep away the rest of the time, which doesnt sound like something i need to be doing. As of lately ive felt completely and utterly useless, i have been sick for basically 2-3 months(on and off) which has resulted in me slouching around the house in my pajamas...not cooking..and not being active at all unless walking to the bathroom and refrigerator for snacks falls under the "being active" category which i highly doubt. Ive felt like ive been eating away at my life and although those who know me know i shouldnt be loosing weight but gaining some..they know i am completely self conscious about my appearance as it is and gaining as little as 5lbs makes me freak out and go in starvation mode. I have a certain weight i refuse to go over and i think anything close to that weight makes me feel horrible about myself. I know it is pretty sad and kinda self absorbent...but shit....this is me...Not only is weight an issue...the list can go on and on...but lets leave that for another day.  All these feelings could be a result of the shitty weather we are having but man it needs to go away...ive been daydreaming of sunny days ever since Winter came around and I cant stop flipping through pictures where i had my awesome tan and my shorts...and tanks...and the beach....ahhh man...talk about needing a vacation soon. Well enough of the inconsistency in my blogs....I will be back tomorrow with some more junk about my life...

The start of spilling out my thoughts

Welcome blogging world, after a few friends have started blogging it has made me think about how useful this can be for me. I always have a million and one things on my mind and come home with a massive headache and usually end up forgetting everything I thought about all day which doesn't help me any. So I figured if I create this blog I will eliminate some of those headaches and maybe be able to move forward and accomplish some of those things I tell myself I need to get to but never do. It also allows me to have a moment of my day to just think and be alone and type, which I kinda like doing. I used to type my life away in college when I had to type up 15 page essays and I sadly miss that. I feel like my brain has shut down since I graduated. It feels like forever since I left Penn State but its only been a year. Since that year I have been engaged...home owner..and a proud parent of two beautiful PUPPIES. Seems like sometimes my life has been sped up and I'm not ready for whats to come. Sometimes I am pretty happy where I am at in life and other times  I wonder what would be different right now. I def would have been in graduate school and focused on getting my masters and be on my way to a potential great job..but I need to stop thinking about "what ifs" and more about "where to next." Yeah I haven't been focused enough to go back to school...but I have to see where I am at right now and how having my own home at 23..living with the man I absolutely love and having two awesome puppies is a pretty damn good place to be at right now. Yeah my job can suck...I have a bachelors and not getting paid nearly what I deserve..but there's perks...I think the perks have allowed me to stay there as long as I have...I also have some great co-workers/friends..which I guess can make up for the pay...but when bills come around...that's when the tears are shed........well to whoever decides to follow my pathetic blogs..you'll begin to notice the array of topics that run through my head...I can never stick to one simple topic...hense me beginning this blog...hoping it will allow me to become focused more. Well that's it for me now, I will be back tomorrow after my CDA class.