productive/rant

Well woke up and found out i didnt have to go to work..pretty excited..the snow helped. But found my self incredibly bored and no one to talk to but my dogs..haha so i thought  about those words.."how i need to be more productive with my life" well i did just that.I went out and shoveled, cleaned my car, cleaned my house, played zumba, and just dance 2 and sang to the top of my lungs while jamming with my mop on hand and my ipod on deck. seriously releasing...and relaxing..probably not for my neighbors who had to hear me sing but good for me for opening up and letting go a bit. i then took the time to do my nails and get online to blog a bit. I mean i could have been a tad bit more productive if i stepped outside and socialized a bit but..me and the outdoors alone just havent gotten to terms just yet. I need a couple more exposures to get me to feel really comfortable walking around alone.. i thought probably carrying mase and a knife itd make me feel a bit better but still not doing it for me. I just need some help. yeah im not ashamed to say i need help..just like im not afraid to say i have a phobia...masklophobia(phobia of mascots).....yeah just found out what my phobia is called..thanks to the web and a friend!. Just hard to realize that whatever im scared of  is something that can be "fixed" I took enough psychology courses to know how a session would take place. scenario: ..".hi so tell me what brought you here today? idk im scared of life..and mascots......so tell me...when did this start......hmmm ..idk when i was a victim of a house invasion...and cant really explain the mascot one.....soo tell me what are some of your feelings?" .....yeah..........I would sit there and questions would be thrown my way until I find the answer to them and have to pay lots of $$ for something i figured out myself....yeah so thats why i havent made the attempt to get help. Dont get me wrong..i love my degree..haha just know too much to be able to get help. Its def great for others though. I def think everyone should meet with a therapist once in their life...just dont know about myself. Ok so since i went off during my blog. I am going to go ahead and be a productive house wife and cook before the hubby comes home since i didnt work and he did. :)

trying to better myself.

To anyone whos following my blog may have already picked up on or may know about me already...i say ill do things and then time passes on and i never accomplish something..not necessarily the case about everything i do but for the most part...like this blog for instance. I say i will keep up on a daily basis but find myself making excuses as to why i cant dedicate 10 to 15 mins of my time to write instead of wasting away on facebook. A friend of mine told me i'm too young to let things pass by, i need to make the best out of life. Enjoy every minute. Stop wasting time..stop making excuses and find the inner desire or the inner drive to get up off my ass and do something productive. Ive said time and time again i want to start working out and ive even bought games for the wii so that i am not entirely embarrassed going to a gym. I bought zumba and just dance 2 for the wii in efforts of getting my lazy behind self up off the coach and do something productive. That lasted 2 days..if that much. I also attempted the P90x and that lasted 3 weeks. I had to say that was a great work out but found myself doing the workouts at 10pm and going straight to bed and waking up sore like no other..which slowly made me loose interest. Ive said time and time again i want to get back into it but find no motivation to wake up at 8am and work out all morning before work. Which leads me to feel miserable about myself..not feel really happy about my life and everyone hears me bitch. So i'm going to try to find some hobbies that i will seriously take time to work on and build on. I know all my life i took music courses..i can say ive played the viola, cello, guitar and keyboard but if you hand me any one of those instruments id prob wont know what to do because i never stuck to it. I took viola for 3 1/2 years and i cant remember much. Which shows how much drive i have for anything. The one thing i can say ive seriously kept working on was drawing. I took art classes all throughout middle school, high school and college and to this day i love anything from arts and crafts to origami. So i guess i just need to find my nitch and stick to it and work around it. But if it seriously wasnt for that friend of mine who put everything into perspective i really wouldnt be writing this blog right now. So i need some motivation and a partner in crime to help me get off my couch and into some hobbies! :)

Playing Catch up

Well to any of my followers..i do apologize for taking a really long time to blog. Since i was in Texas I didnt really have too much time and when i came back i had to catch up with work...life..and time with my pup pups so I really didnt get time to get on my computer and blog around. But Since my last blog ive had a really easier time with life. I think i really did need a vacation and some time away from home,work and life. It was amazing to wake up..get room service...breakfast..lunch and dinner every day...and get to have some really good times with the teens that came with. Although i really wanted to come home because i was seriously missing home and my pups i knew i was 50/50 about it all because i knew i would come home to face reality. Texas turned out to be a really cool place...not much going on unless you had a car..in which i had to drive around Texas, but it was def different from being in the city. I loved the accents and found myself holding convos with my teens with the texan accent. Once i came home i couldnt imagine how much my dogs had missed be but they seriously wouldnt let me go anywhere alone around the house because they would begin to cry for my attention. I really cant believe how much a dog can show affection or care about their owner as my dogs do..they can bring me up whenever i am down..and make me smile whenever i am mad or sad. They seriously are my babies and dont care what anyone says about me treating my dogs like babies...they mean the world to me and will always mean the world to me. After a few days of thinking i realized i do need friends in my life and people who care about me..and its a part of life to disagree or not be on the same page about things but at the end i cant say i dont need friends in my life because i guess i really do. I just need to learn to appreciate friendships more and value them more....but on that note todays Valentines Day and ive got to say after our 5th Valentines Day we can still be as in Love as the first time. This is just another day to spend money on eachother and sow them you care about them through flowers..balloons..stuffed animals and chocolate..but i do love Valentines Day but I do agree with the rest of the world on how its so overrated but my kids at work seriously made my day and showed me how much they care about me with all the candy i cant consume in a day.(which btw i ate all) and came home to a Valentines Day Hello Kitty<3 and some chocolate and a card. It really is the little things that make me smile. He knows exactly what i like and what makes me happy and that is all that matters...i dont need an expensive dinner...expensive jewelery....flowers that cost a fortune or a box of chocolate that i dont end up eating. It is about the little things...the way he looks at you..the way he makes you smile..the way he runs his fingers through your hair while you cuddle and watch a movie...the way he holds your hand while waiting at a red light..the way he kisses your forehead and whispers he loves you at night...that is my Valentines Day gift...my valentines day gift i receive every day. He seriously makes me happy..although i have my days..where i want to be overly spoiled and consumed with exaggerated signs of affection i know thats not what our relationship is about..its about the little things that prove our love is still passionate and still happening. Ive gotta say after playing catch up on a blog i seriously am going everywhere here and i do apologize to anyone reading but I will start writing everyday so that these blogs have a bigger purpose.

blogging in Texas

Well its day 2 in Dallas Texas..we are stuck in the hotel for awhile because it started snowing pretty bad out. We had a full line up of things to do but roads in Texas are horrible. Highways where full of ice and they dont use salt..they use sand which doesnt seem to be helping. I drove in Texas for the first time yesterday and it was not that bad..Texas drivers are okay i suppose. We went to go see the JFK Museaum where he was assasinated from and i had a really good time. I am such a dork at heart and i love museaums and anything that gets my gears in my brain running. Afterwards, we went shopping around town and hit up a store that sold a whole bunch of cowboy boots and cowboy hats which made me really feel like i was in Texas...but what made it real was when they welcomed us and their accent was clear as day, it put a smile to my face. I havent been anywhere in awhile. Once that was over we went over to a restaurant called the Palms and we had a great dinner and dessert with everyone here who has been nothing but severely generous to all of the teens. It is really hard to find people who still in believe in the growth of children and the impact an adult can make on a child..especially someone who cares about them and shows interest in them. Well this hotel is amazing. It's called the embassy suites and we have an amazing room, a great pool..a good gym room, a computer lab..and 12 floors to keep us busy enough. We are all super excited for the Super Bowl because its the night everyone is looking forward too. I wanted to buy some things around here but things are not cheap in Texas. I bought a magnet for almost 8 bucks. But I will be getting me some superbowl gear for the night. I really should have thought about brining some sweat pants to work out since we have been stuck in doors all day..we woke up at 6am for nothing. But overall it has been such an amazing experience, i have networked so much that i cant even remember everyones names. This is an exciting opportunity for me..but the biggest satisfaction is the recognition i receive from people for having a great group with me. Also the fact that my teens were super excited and thanked me so much for helping them to get where they are at right now..that is when i know that what i am doing is worth it. When i know i have made an impact or some change in someone elses life...yes as cheesy as that sounds. This trip would be amazing with my fiance because he would be soaking all of this with me..there are no pictures or words to describe everything..but i think these few days have made me miss him incredibly and i know that will make our relationship tighter..a friend of mine told me...when was the last time i took a few days to myself...and i havent since i left college..so i guess this is the time...its a great sign..i know that our relationship is suppose to work..throughtout the ups and downs we have more ups and it makes me know that i havent wasted 6yrs of my life to that one special person i cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with. What i love the most is that he is happy for me for making so much progress and having this opportunity as oppose to being mad because he cant come to the SuperBowl. But i dont want to leave because i know once that plane lands in philadelphia, reality hits and i will have to face my everyday life...bills..and work..which sucks. I feel like this mini vacation couldnt come at a better time. But i do really miss my puppies and my babe...i heard my puppies would keep looking at the door waiting for me to come in which made me really sad and i cant wait to see them and cuddle with my pup pups. Well ive gotta get ready...we are going to go out soon to visit some place..and go out to eat and do more sight seeing. 

live and learn...life lessons

Having been faced with rough decisions in the past few days made me begin to think about my life and the fact ive never had true meaningful friendships. Since i was in Kindergarten i can remember having soo many friends and when i left to middle school those friends became in existent...i made new friends...those friends became enemies..we drifted apart..went to high school...never in touch with the rest of the "friends" ive ever made in my past decided to make more friends....those friends felt like my friends for life...until the day my parents decided to move me to Philadelphia...i made friends who i thought would be for life..and my closest and only friend decided we could no longer be friends bc of the unhealthy relationship she had with her partner...i moved on....i went to college and joined a sorority..in hopes to find friends for life...realized...GIRLS ARE A BUNCH OF BITCHES...AND LOVE TO BACK STAB...so i left the sorority and made it with the little group of friends i made from the start....felt like id keep in touch forever and be amazing friends after...not true at all...those friends we barely talk...even my roomate and i (who ive known since elementary school) barely keep in touch. Now the real world...made great friends at work..only to realize...any little thing i do or say is completely interpreted wrong and decide they can no longer speak to me..or even acknowledge my presence. Makes me realize...is it me? or am i just really really bad at making friends...but one thing is true...if i had guy friends....this would never be happening...theres no drama to deal with..no bullshit..and everything is simple. Realized from now on.....its me...myself...and I....im tired of getting hurt...tired of making friends only to see them walk away from my life...tired of letting people into my life...having them know every weakness of mine...every deep dark secret...only to see them walk away from my life. The only person that has ever ever been there for me..is my sister..my true unconditional absolute best friend. We have our ups and downs but no matter what she is always there. I hate to realize it has come to this...that there is something wrong with my personality or theres just simply no true friends out there but i guess its life...something i will have to learn about...whats sad is i cant even count on the rest of my family...i have no cousins i can ever talk to...and no one else who actually cares about me...so if at one point you have entered into my life...sorry to tell you...you may not be there forever...you made decide to walk away from my life at one point in the near future...ill continue making "associates" but im tired of making friends...only to be hurt at the end.