Thursday, June 9, 2011
inspiration!
so through my job working with teenagers i met a teen and we instantly became close. She would come to program and be super excited to see me. We then bonded, went to football games and the super bowl together through my job because of her amazing enthusiasm, great energy, and her intelligence. On our trip to Texas we where roomates and we became the best of friends!. I see so much potential for her while sadly the people close to her cant seem to see that. I on the other hand see a brilliant future for her. A few weeks ago she spoke about her sports banquet at school and how her mom wouldnt be able to attend. She was upset, and wasnt going to attend. I knew I had to be there. I told her i would be there for her and attend the banquet with her. Today was her banquet and while the rest of the high schoolers had their mom, aunt, grandma, brother, sister or what have you, she had me. I couldnt be more proud of her when her name was called up to receive a medal and a trophy. I felt so good to know she wanted me there on a day like this. Because of her i realize i am full fulling what i want to do with my life. I want to become a high school guidance counselor and be there for a high schooler who needs a shoulder, a ear, or a smile at the end of the day. I have been that shoulder for her, that ear to listen, and that smile to show her that I will always be there for her and that she can trust in me whenever she feels shes falling down. Overall, pretty amazing day on this 100 degree weather we had today. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
thoughts
so i had a "nightmare" the other night, to the point of waking up shaking and with the feeling of wanting to cry. Gladly i resisted that and managed to hold any tears. Which i am glad i didnt cry because when i think about it now, the nightmare was pretty ridiculous and stupid. It was over my stupid insecurities and i guess a sign to appreciate the people that really are there for me and not to waste any time with stupidity. I dreamt Will was cheating on me with someone i know and i couldnt do anything about it. It was the most vivid, detailed dream ive had. For the first time i dreamt in color and dreamt about it being in my house. Every single dream ive had have taken place in my ny house, or my moms house, or somewhere else but my house. I felt completely unappreciated, ugly, and couldnt manage to wrap my head around the fact that it was only a dream. I began to stare at myself in the mirror and try to find something i was happy about. While others may think i have everything together, im "skinny" and should be happy, i cant seem to see what others see. There are days i feel great but others when i feel like no one could possibly find me attractive. Probably why that dream made me feel completely sick to my stomach. I felt like the only person that has been with me for 6 years was ready to leave me and i wouldnt find someone else who would want to be with me for ME. I also realized i can sometimes take him for granted and dont realize he does love me. He may not be the most sensitive and super cutesy as i wish he was, but he does in fact love me and i know i havent wasted away 6yrs of my life with someone who didnt want to be with me. There are guys out there that are out to be with a girl just to have sex with them and not value a female the way they should be and think of them as an object of pleasure and satisfaction as oppose to someone who they can have a decent conversation and true friendship with. Well...blog will continue tomorrow, laptop is dying.....
Monday, June 6, 2011
back to releasing some stress
So thought id be okay with not writing my every thought and my every insecurity, my every anxiety filled moment, my stressed and messed up life...but i guess i was wrong. Sometimes i really don't have anyone i can really tell everything to and expect to hear me out and understand me. That is when i reached out and figured the only one that gets me and hears me out no matter what fucked up situation, would be my college roomate, my bestie. It was a serious sense of relief, and weight off my shoulders to just let it all out. To tell her everything that has been going on with me...and not to tell me how fucked up i was, or how stupid i was, or judge me behind my back. I also realized that when im the most alone, i want to be around people and when i am around people all i want to do is be alone. Something i cant seem to wrap my mind around. My days usually consist of me waking up, hanging out with my pups, going to work, coming home, eating, and watching tv alone with my pups. Time seems to fly on by and the next day comes around for the same vicious cycle. Then it doesnt help i dont do much on the weekends either. I just feel like lately i need a change, i need something different and i should be the one in charge of that but i cant figure out where to begin.....i really dont know why i put myself through so much unnecessary stress...because it seriously is over the most ridiculous things too. I let the little things affect me and ruin my entire day. :/
walked away for 10 mins and lost my train of thought...well thats it then i suppose.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
life
So today i was leaving work to go to my 2nd job and on my way out the building i saw a purse on the floor..at first glance thought it was a plastic bag...2nd look noticed it was a purse..picked it up and did what a good Samaritan would do and find a contact through it...while looking through i noticed a good amount of cash was in it...i say..$300.00, a debit card..and a drivers License. I left all the money in...found a contact # and told my boss to give the person a call. We call..she freaks out and heads to my job to pick it up. I had to leave so my boss was in charge of handing back the purse. I find out later, the person who lost her purse came to pick it up and didn't even say thanks. She grabbed it..and left. I was left in complete shock. I know if i lost something and someone found it, i would look through it..made sure everything was in it..and then say THANKS. but nope...some people just don't know what that word means. So i began thinking...man i should have taken that money...but i believe in karma and know that my good deed will come back to me...and i will get something great happen to me. i gave myself a good pat on the back and kept on moving. But just left me thinking about this world..and the reason people even think about stealing...or how people don't believe in giving something back that they find....because of people like that who dont know how to appreciate great people in this world....With all that said....lets move on...i requested my official college transcript from PSU for my job and i received it today. I opened it with excitement because it had been a while i reviewed my transcript or my grades. So while I'm looking over them i cant help to smile and pat myself on the back once more....nothing but A's and B's for 4 straight years. Taking almost 18-20 credits a semester..working and still managing to do great in school. Not to mention a loan free bachelors. Of my 4years in college..i was grateful to have paid my college through scholarships and grants that i was able to walk away with almost a free education. Excluding junior and senior year where i had to pay out of pocket but it just goes to show how a little motivation can go a long way. I never gave up when times where hard...i never backed out because i was scared..just don't know what happen to all of that motivation...that the motivation i am trying to find within me now....guess i really needed those transcripts to show me i am smart...i have been smart...i have potential to do better...i have the potential to go far in life...so why am i scared about life..why am i scared to move forward. Guess i still need some time to figure all of this out.
Day 2.
Day 2. A picture of someone you have been the closest to the longest.
Our parents met way back when we where in 2nd grade. My mom babysat her and her brother..and then her mom became my Godmother. We went to the same elementary school..same middle school...same high school...and yes...same college. We where never super close but when we where in college..she was my roomate..and the best roomate in the world. She had my back..i had hers...we went anywhere..talked for hours about nothing..and made our college experience the best. Def <3 this girl. We know that our friendship is pretty unique...we can go months without talking but as soon as we talk its like we never where apart..there was never ever no drama or fights between us because we knew how to give eachother space...something i really value about her.
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| My Roomate/GodSister Jen |
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
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