Realized i havent written a blog in quite some time and the last time i wrote, i was going through a really tough time...and thought writing it out would somehow help...and well...it did!...I managed to take the anger and convert that into something else...cant really explain what it is..but just know im much more at ease with the situation and its almost settling to know i dont have to cry myself to bed anymore....but im not back here just to update on everything since...i realized blogging has def become therapeutic for me. I have def found a sense of relief in writing out my every thought i cant normally talk about with someone. I dont ever expect a response, just clearing my mind away.....Back at it because i just keep getting thoughts of my life...the what ifs, the how comes, and everything in between. Always manage to have questions marks in my life....and why is it that everything happens...and just hope that my every decision in life was meant to happen. I have a really hard time letting go of these thoughts...i always seem to cling on to the past somehow and have that control my present. Sometimes i even take them as signs...as if they were MEANT to happen..and meant to come back to my life...theres a reason for everything...so why not now...there is a reason why i have these thoughts again...atleast thats what i begin to convince myself..to the point im convinced and cant stop thinking about anything but that. Exactly where im at now....convinced...and cant seem to get it out of my head...i also dont know how to feel about it all...to take it as a positive or a negative...and if i take it as a positive..does it eventually lead to a negative....and come back to bite me in the ass.....ugh....the same way it comes out on this blog is exactly how it runs through my mind...a jumble of confusion.. what i especially hate is how i manage to let this all control my present and make me feel sick to my stomach and cause me to have anxiety about life.. the same anxiety that i have allowed to control my life...my every move..every decision ive ever made...and try to hide from everyone...only to put a front and try to convince myself that everything is fine...but it just slowly begins to creep up on me...........
Realized there was no way of fighting these thoughts and my anxiety....atleast not tonight...but can say...writing it all out def made me feel a lot better...whether it makes sense or not...its somehow managed to calm it down...
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday, August 15, 2011
daddys little girl.......
this blog is really difficult for me to write about because it really is a sensitive topic....and something i cant even put into words...but figured it would be best to write it out since these thoughts keep coming back to me. I was my dads first child, his little girl...i was one spoiled brat even after my younger sister was born. anything i wanted, my dad was there for me. Around the time i was 12yrs old i found out my dad was cheating on my mom, the most confusing and devastating moment of my life. I went to sleep crying because all i heard was yelling, fighting, slamming doors, and my moms tears. I would ask what was wrong and she would wipe the tears off and tell both my sister and i that everything would be ok. He then got back into alcohol as a way to numb everything he had done. This is when i lost my dad, id come home from school and he'd come from work drunk as ever and begin to fight with everyone in the house for no apparent reason, because something was out of place or the house was dirty.( the beginning of my OCD). I would hide in my room with my sister in hopes that it would all go away. Slowly the drinking stopped and the fighting stopped, but my parents where obviously not happy. They stuck it out because any talk of divorce made my sister and I break into crazy tears and panic attacks. I dreamt of a beautiful home with both my mom and dad living happily ever after, having both of them grow old together as they saw us grow. Not until later in life that i realized i was being selfish and causing much more pain to my mom, my sister and myself. Why force 2 people to stick around with eachother when it was obvious that love was gone. Around the time i was 16yrs old, my parents decided to buy a house in Philadelphia, little did i know that meant i was moving. The move did not include my dad because of his job in NY and how stable it was. I only saw my dad on the weekends or every other weekend. He moved to New jersey and rented out an apt there. Began to realize this was a slow step to a divorce in some ways. We celebrated every holiday, every birthday and every family event like a perfectly happy family but behind the scenes my parents fought about everything and anything. Towards the end of high school my fathers visits became something i wasnt looking forward to. This is when i chose i had to get away from Philadelphia for college...i wanted to be so far from all the chaos. I did just that, i left and found happiness in just not being around the fights. But felt horrible leaving my sister in the midsts of all the chaos i managed to get away from. Throughout my college years, my parents relationship became more of a friendship and respectful, but it was quite evident my mom would look at my dad and that love was still there. Not until the first years in college did i find out my dad was living with someone else in New Jersey and spending less weekends with his daughters and wife and spending more time with someone else. I came to almost a numbing feeling about it all, trying to hide the obvious, trying to avoid any talks about where he was at, who was he with, and who he spoke to on the phone with, only to not cause any more pain for myself, but i knew it all...he was cheating on my mom. His visits came sporadically throughout the year only to see my sister and i but the relationship between my mom and dad had ended. There was talk about divorce again and this time i was not fighting it. my mom deserves to be happy and realized this should put an end to my moms pain. The relationship between my dad and i went from love, to hate, to respect and back to hate as of recently. Few months back my dad decided to come to visit and have a "talk" with my mother, sister and myself....the one talk i wish i could erase from my memory...one that haunts me to this day.....the one where i was told, he had another child with another women and that it was a girl...and shes a few months old and was terrified of letting us know. My world came to a complete crash, everything faded in and i could no longer even think about what to say....just sat there in a puddle of tears running down my face. He tried to hug me and i could do was push him away...i was in complete disgust...i was no longer daddys little girl. What people dont seem to understand is how much my dad admired both my sister and i...we where his everything...and now he needs to share that love with someone else. Someone i dont ever want anything to do with. Im 24yrs old and i still cant come to terms with it all. While he should be thinking about how he would plan my wedding with me, he will be thinking about how his daughter will be attending the first day of school. Ive tried to think about how this child has nothing to do with anything, she didnt ask to come to this world, but i cant come to terms with accepting her and potentially forgiving him for it and accepting her when she grows up. I want to live my life as if she never exists, as if she never came into this world and took my dad away from me but i know how wrong that is, but i dont think i can do it. I called my dad the other day and all i could hear in the background was her crying.....and i just hung up and began to cry.... just as i am doing now...been crying since the beginning of this entry and cant seem to stop......i know there will be a day where all this will become a numbing feeling and all these emotions will go away but cant seem to go to bed without these thoughts in my head. Just hoping writing this entry will help me out and get all those hidden emotions out there and make me feel better.........who knows, but i need to begin to stay positive and forget about everything and focus on MY future!!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
inspiration!
so through my job working with teenagers i met a teen and we instantly became close. She would come to program and be super excited to see me. We then bonded, went to football games and the super bowl together through my job because of her amazing enthusiasm, great energy, and her intelligence. On our trip to Texas we where roomates and we became the best of friends!. I see so much potential for her while sadly the people close to her cant seem to see that. I on the other hand see a brilliant future for her. A few weeks ago she spoke about her sports banquet at school and how her mom wouldnt be able to attend. She was upset, and wasnt going to attend. I knew I had to be there. I told her i would be there for her and attend the banquet with her. Today was her banquet and while the rest of the high schoolers had their mom, aunt, grandma, brother, sister or what have you, she had me. I couldnt be more proud of her when her name was called up to receive a medal and a trophy. I felt so good to know she wanted me there on a day like this. Because of her i realize i am full fulling what i want to do with my life. I want to become a high school guidance counselor and be there for a high schooler who needs a shoulder, a ear, or a smile at the end of the day. I have been that shoulder for her, that ear to listen, and that smile to show her that I will always be there for her and that she can trust in me whenever she feels shes falling down. Overall, pretty amazing day on this 100 degree weather we had today. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
thoughts
so i had a "nightmare" the other night, to the point of waking up shaking and with the feeling of wanting to cry. Gladly i resisted that and managed to hold any tears. Which i am glad i didnt cry because when i think about it now, the nightmare was pretty ridiculous and stupid. It was over my stupid insecurities and i guess a sign to appreciate the people that really are there for me and not to waste any time with stupidity. I dreamt Will was cheating on me with someone i know and i couldnt do anything about it. It was the most vivid, detailed dream ive had. For the first time i dreamt in color and dreamt about it being in my house. Every single dream ive had have taken place in my ny house, or my moms house, or somewhere else but my house. I felt completely unappreciated, ugly, and couldnt manage to wrap my head around the fact that it was only a dream. I began to stare at myself in the mirror and try to find something i was happy about. While others may think i have everything together, im "skinny" and should be happy, i cant seem to see what others see. There are days i feel great but others when i feel like no one could possibly find me attractive. Probably why that dream made me feel completely sick to my stomach. I felt like the only person that has been with me for 6 years was ready to leave me and i wouldnt find someone else who would want to be with me for ME. I also realized i can sometimes take him for granted and dont realize he does love me. He may not be the most sensitive and super cutesy as i wish he was, but he does in fact love me and i know i havent wasted away 6yrs of my life with someone who didnt want to be with me. There are guys out there that are out to be with a girl just to have sex with them and not value a female the way they should be and think of them as an object of pleasure and satisfaction as oppose to someone who they can have a decent conversation and true friendship with. Well...blog will continue tomorrow, laptop is dying.....
Monday, June 6, 2011
back to releasing some stress
So thought id be okay with not writing my every thought and my every insecurity, my every anxiety filled moment, my stressed and messed up life...but i guess i was wrong. Sometimes i really don't have anyone i can really tell everything to and expect to hear me out and understand me. That is when i reached out and figured the only one that gets me and hears me out no matter what fucked up situation, would be my college roomate, my bestie. It was a serious sense of relief, and weight off my shoulders to just let it all out. To tell her everything that has been going on with me...and not to tell me how fucked up i was, or how stupid i was, or judge me behind my back. I also realized that when im the most alone, i want to be around people and when i am around people all i want to do is be alone. Something i cant seem to wrap my mind around. My days usually consist of me waking up, hanging out with my pups, going to work, coming home, eating, and watching tv alone with my pups. Time seems to fly on by and the next day comes around for the same vicious cycle. Then it doesnt help i dont do much on the weekends either. I just feel like lately i need a change, i need something different and i should be the one in charge of that but i cant figure out where to begin.....i really dont know why i put myself through so much unnecessary stress...because it seriously is over the most ridiculous things too. I let the little things affect me and ruin my entire day. :/
walked away for 10 mins and lost my train of thought...well thats it then i suppose.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
life
So today i was leaving work to go to my 2nd job and on my way out the building i saw a purse on the floor..at first glance thought it was a plastic bag...2nd look noticed it was a purse..picked it up and did what a good Samaritan would do and find a contact through it...while looking through i noticed a good amount of cash was in it...i say..$300.00, a debit card..and a drivers License. I left all the money in...found a contact # and told my boss to give the person a call. We call..she freaks out and heads to my job to pick it up. I had to leave so my boss was in charge of handing back the purse. I find out later, the person who lost her purse came to pick it up and didn't even say thanks. She grabbed it..and left. I was left in complete shock. I know if i lost something and someone found it, i would look through it..made sure everything was in it..and then say THANKS. but nope...some people just don't know what that word means. So i began thinking...man i should have taken that money...but i believe in karma and know that my good deed will come back to me...and i will get something great happen to me. i gave myself a good pat on the back and kept on moving. But just left me thinking about this world..and the reason people even think about stealing...or how people don't believe in giving something back that they find....because of people like that who dont know how to appreciate great people in this world....With all that said....lets move on...i requested my official college transcript from PSU for my job and i received it today. I opened it with excitement because it had been a while i reviewed my transcript or my grades. So while I'm looking over them i cant help to smile and pat myself on the back once more....nothing but A's and B's for 4 straight years. Taking almost 18-20 credits a semester..working and still managing to do great in school. Not to mention a loan free bachelors. Of my 4years in college..i was grateful to have paid my college through scholarships and grants that i was able to walk away with almost a free education. Excluding junior and senior year where i had to pay out of pocket but it just goes to show how a little motivation can go a long way. I never gave up when times where hard...i never backed out because i was scared..just don't know what happen to all of that motivation...that the motivation i am trying to find within me now....guess i really needed those transcripts to show me i am smart...i have been smart...i have potential to do better...i have the potential to go far in life...so why am i scared about life..why am i scared to move forward. Guess i still need some time to figure all of this out.
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