inspiration!

so through my job working with teenagers i met a teen and we instantly became close. She would come to program and be super excited to see me. We then bonded, went to football games and the super bowl together through my job because of her amazing enthusiasm, great energy, and her intelligence. On our trip to Texas we where roomates and we became the best of friends!. I see so much potential for her while sadly the people close to her cant seem to see that. I on the other hand see a brilliant future for her. A few weeks ago she spoke about her sports banquet at school and how her mom wouldnt be able to attend. She was upset, and wasnt going to attend. I knew I had to be there. I told her i would be there for her and attend the banquet with her. Today was her banquet and while the rest of the high schoolers had their mom, aunt, grandma, brother, sister or what have you, she had me. I couldnt be more proud of her when her name was called up to receive a medal and a trophy. I felt so good to know she wanted me there on a day like this. Because of her i realize i am full fulling what i want to do with my life. I want to become a high school guidance counselor and be there for a high schooler who needs a shoulder, a ear, or a smile at the end of the day. I have been that shoulder for her, that ear to listen, and that smile to show her that I will always be there for her and that she can trust in me whenever she feels shes falling down. Overall, pretty amazing day on this 100 degree weather we had today. :)

thoughts

so i had a "nightmare" the other night, to the point of waking up shaking and with the feeling of wanting to cry. Gladly i resisted that and managed to hold any tears. Which i am glad i didnt cry because when i think about it now, the nightmare was pretty ridiculous and stupid. It was over my stupid insecurities and i guess a sign to appreciate the people that really are there for me and not to waste any time with stupidity. I dreamt Will was cheating on me with someone i know and i couldnt do anything about it. It was the most vivid, detailed dream ive had. For the first time i dreamt in color and dreamt about it being in my house. Every single dream ive had have taken place in my ny house, or my moms house, or somewhere else but my house. I felt completely unappreciated, ugly, and couldnt manage to wrap my head around the fact that it was only a dream. I began to stare at myself in the mirror and try to find something i was happy about. While others may think i have everything together, im "skinny" and should be happy, i cant seem to see what others see. There are days i feel great but others when i feel like no one could possibly find me attractive. Probably why that dream made me feel completely sick to my stomach. I felt like the only person that has been with me for 6 years was ready to leave me and i wouldnt find someone else who would want to be with me for ME.  I also realized i can sometimes  take him for granted and dont realize he does love me. He may not be the most sensitive and super cutesy as i wish he was, but he does in fact love me and i know i havent wasted away 6yrs of my life with someone who didnt want to be with me. There are guys out there that are out to be with a girl just to have sex with them and not value a female the way they should be and think of them as an object of pleasure and satisfaction as oppose to someone who they can have a decent conversation and true friendship with. Well...blog will continue tomorrow, laptop is dying.....

back to releasing some stress

So thought id be okay with not writing my every thought and my every insecurity, my every anxiety filled moment, my stressed and messed up life...but i guess i was wrong. Sometimes i really don't have anyone i can really tell everything to and expect to hear me out and understand me. That is when i reached out and figured the only one that gets me and hears me out no matter what fucked up situation, would be my college roomate, my bestie. It was a serious sense of relief, and weight off my shoulders to just let it all out. To tell her everything that has been going on with me...and not to tell me how fucked up i was, or how stupid i was, or judge me behind my back. I also realized that when im the most alone, i want to be around people and when i am around people all i want to do is be alone. Something i cant seem to wrap my mind around. My days usually consist of me waking up, hanging out with my pups, going to work, coming home, eating, and watching tv alone with my pups. Time seems to fly on by and the next day comes around for the same vicious cycle. Then it doesnt help i dont do much on the weekends either. I just feel like lately i need a change, i need something different and i should be the one in charge of that but i cant figure out where to begin.....i really dont know why i put myself through so much unnecessary stress...because it seriously is over the most ridiculous things too. I let the little things affect me and ruin my entire day. :/ 

walked away for 10 mins and lost my train of thought...well thats it then i suppose.