Realized i havent written a blog in quite some time and the last time i wrote, i was going through a really tough time...and thought writing it out would somehow help...and well...it did!...I managed to take the anger and convert that into something else...cant really explain what it is..but just know im much more at ease with the situation and its almost settling to know i dont have to cry myself to bed anymore....but im not back here just to update on everything since...i realized blogging has def become therapeutic for me. I have def found a sense of relief in writing out my every thought i cant normally talk about with someone. I dont ever expect a response, just clearing my mind away.....Back at it because i just keep getting thoughts of my life...the what ifs, the how comes, and everything in between. Always manage to have questions marks in my life....and why is it that everything happens...and just hope that my every decision in life was meant to happen. I have a really hard time letting go of these thoughts...i always seem to cling on to the past somehow and have that control my present. Sometimes i even take them as signs...as if they were MEANT to happen..and meant to come back to my life...theres a reason for everything...so why not now...there is a reason why i have these thoughts again...atleast thats what i begin to convince myself..to the point im convinced and cant stop thinking about anything but that. Exactly where im at now....convinced...and cant seem to get it out of my head...i also dont know how to feel about it all...to take it as a positive or a negative...and if i take it as a positive..does it eventually lead to a negative....and come back to bite me in the ass.....ugh....the same way it comes out on this blog is exactly how it runs through my mind...a jumble of confusion.. what i especially hate is how i manage to let this all control my present and make me feel sick to my stomach and cause me to have anxiety about life.. the same anxiety that i have allowed to control my life...my every move..every decision ive ever made...and try to hide from everyone...only to put a front and try to convince myself that everything is fine...but it just slowly begins to creep up on me...........
Realized there was no way of fighting these thoughts and my anxiety....atleast not tonight...but can say...writing it all out def made me feel a lot better...whether it makes sense or not...its somehow managed to calm it down...
